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Ten More Needlessly Shortened Superhero TV Series

The CW debuts Arrow  this Wednesday at 8pm EST, based on the comic book superhero Green Arrow. Why did they take the “Green” out of the title? We have no idea, other than TV executives are generally out of their minds. Still, if Arrow takes off, there’ll almost certainly be a flood of superhero TV shows that shorten their stars’ names. We managed to get a sneak peak of a few of the series already in development!

Lantern

Photo Courtesy of Warner Bros. Pictures
Since The CW has taught us that people hate and fear the color green, it’s a smart move to take the color out of Hal Jordan’s space cop (and admittedly, the more separation from the terrible Ryan Reynolds movie the better). Lantern uses his amazing white power ring to fight evil on all of Earth and the stars, all while trying to keep people from misunderstanding his use of the phrase “white power.”

 

Captain

Photo Courtesy of Paramount Pictures
This patriotic hero wears an “A” on his forehead, but no one knows what country he fights for. Australia? Argentina? Albania? It’s impossible to tell!

Hulk

Photo Courtesy of Universal Pictures
Don’t make Bruce Banner angry — you wouldn’t like him when he gets angry. That’s because he transforms into… a somewhat larger person. He’s not amazingly strong, he can’t leap, y’know, incredible distances, and God knows he’s not green (people hate green!). But he is definitely larger than when he’s not angry, which is probably the main thing that irritates him.

 

Manhunter

Photo Courtesy of CBS
Although this detective is actually a green Martian with the ability to shape-shift and read minds, he never reveals these powers in this straight up murder mystery show, probably to save money on special effects. But thanks to his sassy secretary Kourtney, he’s going to learn that while he may be from Mars, women are from Venus! Literally. It’s the overarching plot of the first three seasons.

Rider

Photo Courtesy of Columbia Pictures
Daredevil extraordinaire Johnny Blaze rides on his motorcycle across the country, righting wrongs and punishing evil all while his skull doesn’t burst into flames. How this wasn’t actually made into an actual TV show in the early ‘80s we’ll never know.

Strange

Photo: Universal TV / Everett Collection | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012
In the drama-filled hospital drama set in a hospital, Dr. Stephen Strange must save lives while dealing with his emotionally dysfunctional staff and his on-again, off-again relationship with the hospital chief-of-staff. And then he goes home and fights demons with magic, which no one sees because all the viewers are female, and they’d rather watch the relationship nonsense. Strange, right?

Black

Photo Courtesy of Marvel Studios
We don’t know the marital status of this sexy superspy, but we do know she’s in a heap of a lot of trouble with Black Vulcan, Black Lightning, Black Manta, and every other superhero who is actually black.

Wonder

Photo Courtesy of Warner Bros. Television
There are lots of ways you can go with this series, all different from the terrible Wonder Woman pilot David E. Kelley recently produced. You can go with the mysterious new superhero in a new city full of evil, i.e. “I wonder who that amazing woman is?” You can have her be a full-fledged hero, tackling supervillains and gods, i.e. “I wonder what adventure she’ll have this week?” Or you can go the Smallville route, and examine her origins on the all-female island of Amazons, i.e. “I wonder if this is the episode we finally get to see some girl-on-girl action?”

Verine

Photo Courtesy of Twentieth Century Fox
This short, Canadian mutant with big muttonchops and bigger adamantium claws is the best he is at what he does, and what he does is produce a yellow, amorphous alkaloid by decomposing veratrine, a poison derived from sabadilla seeds. Because that’s what Verine is. Sure, this show sounds terrible, but we all know NBC is exactly this desperate, right?

Man

Photo: Nuno Silva / Getty Images | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012
Who is the mysterious superhero fighting evil and saving lives in this unfortunately named series? Is it Batman? Superman? Spider-Man? Iron Man? Hawkman? Plastic Man? Aquaman? Iceman? We have no idea, but we are reasonably certain he has male genitalia, so… whatever. Stay tuned for a special crossover episode with (???)Girl!