BEST
1. HAYDEN PANETTIERE TURNS 18
It didn't improve our chances with her, but now that Hayden has reached the age of consent we feel a lot less guilty about obsessively rewinding the cheerleader parts of Heroes. Now we're going to spend the next three years at the bar waiting for her to turn 21.
2. Science Proves That Staring at Boobs Prolongs Life
In a study that's likely faker than Bigfoot's hair color (totally a natural redhead), German researchers found that staring at large breasts for 10 minutes a day is equal to doing a half hour of cardio. We know it's not true, mainly because we're as heart-healthy as Dick Cheney, but it helps us justify the use of our free time.
3. The Van Halen Reunion
Real rock stars are rare these days, so it's assuring to know that the guys who set the standard in the '80s still can't drive 55…even though they're almost 55. But the best part? They left Sammy Hagar and his Hawaiian shirts at home.
4. Baseball Owners Tell A-Rod to F Off
Mr. Walktober traded the supple udder of a Yankees contract extension for the cold shoulder from every other team in the league when he applied for free agency. We hear the Rangers are going to use the money they no longer have to pay him to erect a huge statue of Rafael Palmeiro's boner, soon expected to turn in better postseason numbers!
5. 2007 Hometown Hotties Winner Erin
Had Maxim.com not scoured the continent for insanely hot women, you may never have laid eyes on this stunning Daytona Beach student. We look forward to Erin representing us in '08, and are extremely excited to see who from the coming year's crop of Hotties (for which registration is currently open. Hint, hint) can take her throne. Or at least her tiny bathing suit. SEE HER GALLERY!
6. Female Gamers Have More Sex
We've told you about our love for fake studies, but sometimes real ones work for us, too. A U.K. game rental service released stats this year (we didn't say reliable, we just said not fake) claiming that girls who game get it on more than those who don't. Could be a chemical reaction in their brains, could be that their boyfriends will do anything to get them to quit hogging the TV with their marathon Viva Piñata sessions.
7. The McRib Takes a Third Farewell Lap
We won't drive seven minutes round-trip to visit our grandmother (it smells like adult diapers and sorrow there), but when McDonald's brings back its vaguely rib-shaped sandwich, we'll do whatever it takes to get one. Its third farewell tour started in October, and has left a delicious trail of slimy red sauce across the country that has die-hard fast foodies running—or at least waddling gingerly—to get their hands on one.
8. Daniel Tosh
Somewhere around the 100th time we heard a comic say, "Don't you hate standing in line at the post office?" we seriously lost interest in stand-up comedy. Then we saw Daniel Tosh's Completely Serious special. His material is as fresh as it is offensive, and he's a hell of a lot less exhausting to listen to than Dane Cook.
9. Production Rolls Out on Brawndo
Those of you smart enough to pick up Mike Judge's misunderstood masterpiece Idiocracy on DVD know that Brawndo is the thirst mutilator. What you might not know is that the same wackos that made the scandalously named energy drink Cocaine are actually bringing it into the real world. The best part is that we called it on our list of "Movie Products We Wish We Had." Now excuse us while we go write a "Naked Weekends With Nadine Velazquez" article.
10. The TV Writers' Strike
Keeping up with all the fine programming of the fall can be time consuming. Important stuff like girlfriends, yard work, and even bathing can go easily by the wayside when there are new episodes of The Office to be watched. Luckily, the Writers Guild strike has left our TVs packed with reruns and unaired episodes of cancelled crap, so we can get outside and live our lives. Or at least see what Netflix movie came in the mail today.
WORST
1. Men Who Dance
If Jean-Claude Van Damme taught us anything, it's that men should never bust a move in public. It's all kinds of awkward, and will never get you laid. Even worse, Dancing With the Stars has managed to convince world-champion athletes to hit the floor. Come on, Floyd Mayweather, we want to see you bashing brains, not flitting to the fox-trot.
2. "2Girls1Cup"
We like porn. We like going number two. We even like watching porn while we go number two. But we DO NOT like porn that involves people going number two. Sure the reaction videos this clip has spawned are great, but we never dreamed that the day Internet porn went mainstream this would be its ambassador.
3. David Beckham Comes to America
Unless you were comatose this summer (you're the lucky one, patient 1307-BD), you couldn't escape the buzz surrounding Beckham's arrival in the States. Why should you care about a frosted fop who makes buttloads of money to play a sport no one cares about, only to wind up on the DL a month after his first game? You shouldn't, no matter what the virtual blow job on ESPN's home page said.
4. Boston's Sports Dominance
If you're somehow unfamiliar with how insufferable Boston's fans are, just read this. Between the Red Sox winning the World Series, the Celtics looking their best since Bird, and the Patriots storming toward a perfect season, we fully expect the city's douche baggery to reach record highs. Take it easy, assholes—Boston College is still in the Champs Sports Bowl.
5. Oscar De La Hoya in Women's Underwear
As if Mayweather's stint on Dancing With the Stars wasn't bad enough for boxing, the sport's golden boy allegedly got wasted and let strippers photograph him in boy shorts and fishnets. We seriously hope that all the denials made by his attorney were true.
6. Crocs
Don't be fooled by Heisman winner Tim Tebow: Crocs are not acceptable. In any color. EVER.
7. Bear Grylls Is Exposed as a Faker
Even though he made us look like small girls, we revered the Man vs. Wild star. So when it was revealed he "faked" some of his segments, we were in disbelief. We defended him (how do you fake drinking the water from elephant crap?), but even so, one of our true idols now has a black cloud over him. Oh well, at least we've still got Evel Knievel.
8. Evel Knievel Dies
What? You're joking, right? Damn, this year sucked! Truthfully, it's a wonder this death defier made it as long as he did. At least we chatted with him one last time. Rest in peace, you steel-balled S.O.B.
9. Jimmy Dean Reduces Sausage From 16 to 12 Ounces
Seriously, Jimmy Dean. How is any self-respecting southern man supposed to provide for his obese family with your 12-ounce " roll" of sausage? You deserve all the angry voice mails you receive.
10. The Lame Ending of The Sopranos
Not that we expected very much after the three crap seasons that preceded the series finale, but David Chase really outdid himself in his efforts to aggravate us. (You owe us an unsmashed TiVo, ass.) When we're coming up with better endings, you know you have problems. Personally, we would have loved to have seen Tony choke on an onion ring or maybe even have Flower [FADE TO BLACK].
1. HAYDEN PANETTIERE TURNS 18
It didn't improve our chances with her, but now that Hayden has reached the age of consent we feel a lot less guilty about obsessively rewinding the cheerleader parts of Heroes. Now we're going to spend the next three years at the bar waiting for her to turn 21.
2. Science Proves That Staring at Boobs Prolongs Life
In a study that's likely faker than Bigfoot's hair color (totally a natural redhead), German researchers found that staring at large breasts for 10 minutes a day is equal to doing a half hour of cardio. We know it's not true, mainly because we're as heart-healthy as Dick Cheney, but it helps us justify the use of our free time.
3. The Van Halen Reunion
Real rock stars are rare these days, so it's assuring to know that the guys who set the standard in the '80s still can't drive 55…even though they're almost 55. But the best part? They left Sammy Hagar and his Hawaiian shirts at home.
4. Baseball Owners Tell A-Rod to F Off
Mr. Walktober traded the supple udder of a Yankees contract extension for the cold shoulder from every other team in the league when he applied for free agency. We hear the Rangers are going to use the money they no longer have to pay him to erect a huge statue of Rafael Palmeiro's boner, soon expected to turn in better postseason numbers!
5. 2007 Hometown Hotties Winner Erin
Had Maxim.com not scoured the continent for insanely hot women, you may never have laid eyes on this stunning Daytona Beach student. We look forward to Erin representing us in '08, and are extremely excited to see who from the coming year's crop of Hotties (for which registration is currently open. Hint, hint) can take her throne. Or at least her tiny bathing suit. SEE HER GALLERY!
6. Female Gamers Have More Sex
We've told you about our love for fake studies, but sometimes real ones work for us, too. A U.K. game rental service released stats this year (we didn't say reliable, we just said not fake) claiming that girls who game get it on more than those who don't. Could be a chemical reaction in their brains, could be that their boyfriends will do anything to get them to quit hogging the TV with their marathon Viva Piñata sessions.
7. The McRib Takes a Third Farewell Lap
We won't drive seven minutes round-trip to visit our grandmother (it smells like adult diapers and sorrow there), but when McDonald's brings back its vaguely rib-shaped sandwich, we'll do whatever it takes to get one. Its third farewell tour started in October, and has left a delicious trail of slimy red sauce across the country that has die-hard fast foodies running—or at least waddling gingerly—to get their hands on one.
8. Daniel Tosh
Somewhere around the 100th time we heard a comic say, "Don't you hate standing in line at the post office?" we seriously lost interest in stand-up comedy. Then we saw Daniel Tosh's Completely Serious special. His material is as fresh as it is offensive, and he's a hell of a lot less exhausting to listen to than Dane Cook.
9. Production Rolls Out on Brawndo
Those of you smart enough to pick up Mike Judge's misunderstood masterpiece Idiocracy on DVD know that Brawndo is the thirst mutilator. What you might not know is that the same wackos that made the scandalously named energy drink Cocaine are actually bringing it into the real world. The best part is that we called it on our list of "Movie Products We Wish We Had." Now excuse us while we go write a "Naked Weekends With Nadine Velazquez" article.
10. The TV Writers' Strike
Keeping up with all the fine programming of the fall can be time consuming. Important stuff like girlfriends, yard work, and even bathing can go easily by the wayside when there are new episodes of The Office to be watched. Luckily, the Writers Guild strike has left our TVs packed with reruns and unaired episodes of cancelled crap, so we can get outside and live our lives. Or at least see what Netflix movie came in the mail today.
WORST
1. Men Who DanceIf Jean-Claude Van Damme taught us anything, it's that men should never bust a move in public. It's all kinds of awkward, and will never get you laid. Even worse, Dancing With the Stars has managed to convince world-champion athletes to hit the floor. Come on, Floyd Mayweather, we want to see you bashing brains, not flitting to the fox-trot.
2. "2Girls1Cup"
We like porn. We like going number two. We even like watching porn while we go number two. But we DO NOT like porn that involves people going number two. Sure the reaction videos this clip has spawned are great, but we never dreamed that the day Internet porn went mainstream this would be its ambassador.
3. David Beckham Comes to America
Unless you were comatose this summer (you're the lucky one, patient 1307-BD), you couldn't escape the buzz surrounding Beckham's arrival in the States. Why should you care about a frosted fop who makes buttloads of money to play a sport no one cares about, only to wind up on the DL a month after his first game? You shouldn't, no matter what the virtual blow job on ESPN's home page said.
4. Boston's Sports Dominance
If you're somehow unfamiliar with how insufferable Boston's fans are, just read this. Between the Red Sox winning the World Series, the Celtics looking their best since Bird, and the Patriots storming toward a perfect season, we fully expect the city's douche baggery to reach record highs. Take it easy, assholes—Boston College is still in the Champs Sports Bowl.
5. Oscar De La Hoya in Women's Underwear
As if Mayweather's stint on Dancing With the Stars wasn't bad enough for boxing, the sport's golden boy allegedly got wasted and let strippers photograph him in boy shorts and fishnets. We seriously hope that all the denials made by his attorney were true.
6. Crocs
Don't be fooled by Heisman winner Tim Tebow: Crocs are not acceptable. In any color. EVER.
7. Bear Grylls Is Exposed as a Faker
Even though he made us look like small girls, we revered the Man vs. Wild star. So when it was revealed he "faked" some of his segments, we were in disbelief. We defended him (how do you fake drinking the water from elephant crap?), but even so, one of our true idols now has a black cloud over him. Oh well, at least we've still got Evel Knievel.
8. Evel Knievel Dies
What? You're joking, right? Damn, this year sucked! Truthfully, it's a wonder this death defier made it as long as he did. At least we chatted with him one last time. Rest in peace, you steel-balled S.O.B.
9. Jimmy Dean Reduces Sausage From 16 to 12 Ounces
Seriously, Jimmy Dean. How is any self-respecting southern man supposed to provide for his obese family with your 12-ounce " roll" of sausage? You deserve all the angry voice mails you receive.
10. The Lame Ending of The Sopranos
Not that we expected very much after the three crap seasons that preceded the series finale, but David Chase really outdid himself in his efforts to aggravate us. (You owe us an unsmashed TiVo, ass.) When we're coming up with better endings, you know you have problems. Personally, we would have loved to have seen Tony choke on an onion ring or maybe even have Flower [FADE TO BLACK].