We’ve got some good news and some bad news. The good news: among primates, humans are packing some penile power - we’ve got bigger man-hammers than any of our closest relatives (Gorillas actually have ding-dongs of only a few inches, which explains a lot about King Kong). But when compared to other animals, we’re woefully inadequate. Here are ten wizard staffs to make you feel bad about yourself (we don’t mention horses, because c’mon people, let’s think outside of the giant animal penis box a little bit).
The Barnacle
Photo Courtesy of Wikipedia
If you were an immobile creature unable to pursue mates outside of your immediate reach, it would make sense to have an accordion-like retractable hand-slapper that could explore the world for you, right? Well that’s just how the barnacle rolls. Not only can they make new penises (because they break sometimes - awesome!), barnacles can grow their tallywackers to be 5-10 times their own miniscule size.
The Blue Whale
Photo Courtesy of Istockphoto.com
No surprise here, the biggest animal to ever exist on planet Earth also has the most fearsome meat-trident (we suppose dinosaurs may have had gigantic beef burritos, but dino-dongs weren’t bone, so they weren’t fossilized. So we’ll never know if our Jurassic Park fan fiction is scientifically accurate). Blue whales pack a bit over one Gheorghe Muresan (or 8 feet), which sounds impressive but is comparatively like a human being rocking just under 4 inches.
The Banana Slug
Photo Courtesy of Wikipedia
These gross little guys put our species’ finest porn starts to shame. They can grow up to be almost 10 inches long…and have slime sticks equally as big. Yes, Banana slugs are wielding wangs as long as their whole bodies.
African Giraffe
Photo Courtesy of Wikipedia
More horrifying than its 1.5 - 3 foot monster of a member is the male giraffe’s courting behavior. Essentially, he slams his head into the rear of a female until she…pees on him. If that pee tastes like delicious ovulation, the male giraffe gets his swizzle stick all up in the fallopian tubes and whatever.
African Elephant
Photo Courtesy of Wikipedia
Holders of one of the grandest salami-to-size ratios, African Bull Elephants are equipped with tube steaks measuring over 6 feet in length. It’s even prehensile, meaning it’s a “grasping” or “holding” appendage. You could say African Elephants, in more ways than one, are packing some serious junk in the (wait for it) trunk! (Kill us now.)
The Greater Hook Squid
Photo Courtesy of Wikipedia
In Jules Verne’s 20,000 Leagues under the Sea, Captain Nemo’s submarine the Nautilus is attacked by a gigantic squid. But perhaps the monster just thought the sub was a sexy lady squid and wanted to make sweet love to it…with its gigantic terrifying squid penis? Deep water squid often have gear equal to the length of their entire bodies (including tentacles). The full size of these rare beasts isn’t precisely known, but could be well over 6 feet.
Chianina Bull
Photo Courtesy of Wikipedia
One of the oldest and largest species of bovine, this Italian breed packs more Gabagool than an episode of the Sopranos. Bull penises come in at a respectable 2-3 feet in length.
Wild Hogs
Photo Courtesy of Istockphoto.com
In the 20th century, boars were introduced to the American wild as a game population for hunting enthusiasts. Those boars got frisky with escaped feral pig populations, and the result was beasts like Hogzilla. Not only can pigs become massive, they’re smart enough to manipulate a mouse courser on a PC. Oh, and their thunder downunder can be up to 1.5 feet long. What we’re saying is, pigs can beat you up, take your job, and satisfy your woman like you never could.
The Argentine Lake Duck
Photo Courtesy of Wikipedia
Imagine if you had a 12-foot penis coiled inside your midsection just waiting to unfurl and impregnate the inside of a spiky, treacherously winding female vagoo. That’s kind of what being an Argentine lake duck is like. Their 17-inch, spiraling water fowl phallus is designed to enter the confounding female of the species (who have literally developed spikes on their inside). Now let’s all go watch Duck Tales!
Colymbosathon Ecplecticos
Photo Courtesy of Wikipedia
We can break our rules for extinct species if your name translates to “Amazing Swimmer with Big Penis.” The 425-million-year-old creature, while only 0.2 inches long, had a penis size ratio of 1:5. If humans were similarly packing, we’d all have 15-inch Oscar Mayer’s taped to our jeans.
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