February 6, 2013
And the mental disorders they appear to be suffering from.
10. Deputy Dawg
The star of these early '60s Terrytoons shorts has a vast array of personality problems that don't lend themselves well to law enforcement. As well as being selfish, narcissistic, paranoid, and constantly abusing his power, he often accuses his best friends, Muskie Muskrat and Moley Mole, of stealing his produce, whereupon he locks them in jail or threatens them with firearms. How this fat, slow-witted mental case ever passed a police exam is inexplicable (outside of Alabama, at least), and the fact that he ended up as the No. 2 police officer in his town has got to be terrifying for those under his protection. His most prominent defect is likely his short-term memory loss, which is why he allows his friends to go free at the end of every episode, only to lock them up again the following week.
Despite his irrepressible charm and good-natured disposition, Goofy – who we’re only half certain is actually a dog – clearly suffers from an advanced form of dementia. He's more than 80-years-old, so it's natural at that age to be a bit absent-minded, but Goofy is clearly a danger to himself and needs professional care: he's been known to trip, fall, stumble, and electrocute himself on a regular basis. It is recommended that, in the name of easing his suffering, he get a solid appraisal from the vet and, if necessary, be humanely destroyed.
8. Murray from Mad About You
The lovable border collie from Mad About You has unfortunately sustained a good deal of head trauma: While starring in the NBC sitcom, Murray was often seen chasing an invisible mouse, which would ultimately lead to him banging his head on something. Years of this doing this have sadly caught up with Murray, making him completely unable to learn any basic dogs tricks. The owners of Murray would be well advised to relocate the dog to a farm, where he can run around and chase invisible mice all day, without fear of banging his head on the tight walls of a Manhattan apartment.
7. Santa's Little Helper from The Simpsons
Santa's Little Helper seems to be beyond help. He's been sent to obedience school, trained as a police dog and a guard dog, and yet he always reverts right back to the same disobedient greyhound, tearing up newspapers, destroying furniture, and digging holes in the backyard. Psychologically speaking, the most likely cause for Santa's Little Helper's ailments is an extreme fear of abandonment – he was first adopted by the Simpsons after losing a dog race, and the resulting neurosis was only exacerbated by the fact he was also given up by Bart in favor of a dog named Laddie in the eighth season of the show. Though he would return to the Simpson family later that episode, he carries that extreme separation anxiety with him to this day.
6. Rowdy from Scrubs
J.D. and Turk's dog Rowdy can’t speak, fetch, shake, roll over, or bring you your morning paper. There's a number of possible diagnoses for this Labrador: He could suffer from impulse control disorder, conduct disorder, or even oppositional defective disorder. But a closer examination reveals that Rowdy's problems stem from a much more serious impairment: He's dead. The only possible solution would be to take him to the nearest haunted Pet Cemetery, but that doesn't always turn out the way one would hope (our goldfish came back and ate our granddad).
5. Dog from CatDog
Dog is easily distracted by the simplest of things: A ball, some food, or a garbage truck will immediately send him chasing after it, dragging his brother Cat along for the ride. He appears to be suffering from severe ADHD, as he is unable to control any of his impulses. Now, an obvious solution would be to do what any responsible parent would do: Jack your kid up on Ritalin and call it a day. But Dog's problems may stem from a deeper place than just a short attention span – you see, Dog is a conjoined twin, along with his brother Cat. Being half a dog and half a cat has likely left Dog with some real issues about his identity. Only regular therapy can help Dog become comfortable with both his dog half and his cat half. Failing that, we could always try sawing the annoying fuckers in half.
4. Runt from Animaniacs
Runt - a regular character on the Saturday morning cartoon Animaniacs – is a dim-witted shaggy dog and the sidekick of a cynical cat named Rita, who together form the perfectly mismatched comic duo of Rita & Runt. Despite talking exactly like Dustin Hoffman in Rain Man, we’re not convinced that Runt has any specific mental issues per se, beyond just being as dumb as a hat full of Spam. Growing up a stray has left Runt with a serious lack of education and that – coupled with the poverty that can lead to psychological and environment problems - has been a huge contributor to his delayed development. Also, he’s just a fucking idiot.
3. Odie from Garfield
Poor Odie has been a victim of Garfield for over 30 years. A simple creature, Odie only seeks Garfield's attention, and is willing to withstand all sorts of abuse if it means spending time with his best friend. Cripplingly low self-esteem has impaired Odie to the point where he doesn't even seem to mind being physically harmed - he's regularly called a moron and blamed for Garfield's misdeeds, and has been kicked off the dinner table hundreds of times. The most effective form of treatment for Odie would be a course in confidence-building and conflict management. Failing that, we advise him to take a giant, steaming dump in that asshole cat’s lasagna.
2. The dogs from 2 Stupid Dogs
We spent a long time in the Maxim office arguing about exactly which mental disorders are being displayed by the 2 stupid dogs, but the conundrum was solved by an intern who, having heard us bicker pointlessly for three hours, walked away muttering, “You guys are fucking morons.” And that’s it! The stupid dogs don’t have any deep-seated issues or repressed trauma – they’re just fucking morons (we should really pay more attention to titles, now we think about it). Nothing can be done for these dogs, but just remember that ignorance is bliss, which makes them just about the happiest beasts on the planet.
1. Spunky from Rocko’s Modern Life
Rocko’s pet dog is one of the stupidest, most bizarre creatures ever featured on television. It seems as though Spunky's poor diet is to blame for his severe mental shortcomings, as he's often been seen panting over an empty bowl, filling it with his own slobber, then, thinking the bowl was refilled, proceeding to drink his own slobber. He's also been known to eat Styrofoam packing peanuts, devour salmon bushes, and gnaw on a squishy green sponge monster that shoots out black ink. Rocko would be well advised to get his dog on a regular, healthy diet, as this will make both his life and Spunky's a lot easier. Unfortunately, Spunky also seems to have a bizarre sexual appetite, as evidenced by the episode where he fell madly in love with a mop. Regrettably this is a much more complex problem with no ready solution, although as a more general issue, it might benefit Rocko's neighbors' cleaning products to file Spunky as a Registered Sex Offender.
D is for 'Driving Dogs'
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