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The 12 Real Days Of Christmas

Who has time for leaping lords, gold rings, partridges, and pear trees? Here’s how our Christmas normally goes.


Photo: A.G. Holesch / Getty Images | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012

On the first real day of Christmas, we’ve normally only just finished trick-or-treating.

On the second real day of Christmas, we saw commercials for Christmas stuff before we’d even done our Thanksgiving grocery shopping.

On the third real day of Christmas, four of our family members were trampled to death in a Black Friday bargain riot.

On the fourth real day of Christmas, we got a thoughtful email from all our siblings, detailing what they would like us to buy them this year. The total amount was more than our monthly rent.

On the fifth real day of Christmas, we bought a scraggly tree from some dude on a street corner and got halfway through decorating it before falling into an alcoholic coma while watching Scrooged.

On the sixth real day of Christmas, we realized that we’re going to get one less Christmas gift this year, because our current relationships aren’t working. This made us sad (we like gifts).

On the seventh real day of Christmas, we drank 17 glasses of eggnog and threw up in an 8-year old’s school bag on the bus.

On the eighth real day of Christmas, we accidentally sharted while photocopying our bare asses at the office holiday party. 

On the ninth real day of Christmas, we applied for unemployment benefits.

On the tenth real day of Christmas, we tried to ignore our families by watching A Christmas Story six times in a row and tweeting “lol leg lamp” every 15 minutes.

On the eleventh real day of Christmas, we woke up in a cold sweat at 3am, realizing we hadn’t saved any of the receipts for the shitty gifts we got.

On the twelfth real day of Christmas, we planned our New Year’s Eve: Binge drinking alone in our underwear, eating cold macaroni out of a can. Merry fucking Christmas, everybody.

Sucker-Punched Santas
Striped Babes