Whatever you call them, here are the 16 individuals from all corners of the Earth who made 2012 a shittier year than it needed to be. From politicians to musicians to the overeager elderly, let’s hope these hemorrhoids of humanity are wiped from our lives in 2013.
Tan MomPhoto by Steve Mack/FilmMagic
Leave it to Patricia Krentcil to get kicked out of her own “roast” at an N.Y.C. drag show for falling over, slurring, and appearing to be shitfaced. (Although with that tan, she kind of always looks like she has shit on her face.) You’d think that after charges of allegedly putting her five-year-old daughter in a tanning bed earlier this year, she’d lie low. Not the case. The 44-year-old walking melanoma mole joked that she’d “totally do Playboy if they asked.” Note to Playboy: Please don’t ask.
Costa Concordia CaptainMilestone/Empics Entertainment/Landov
Francesco Schettino, the captain of an Italian cruise ship, allegedly tried to show off to one of his pretty passengers by bringing the boat super close to the shore of an Italian island. It charmed her panties right off but also caused the ship to hit a reef and start sinking. Captain Schettino (is that “shit for brains” in Italian?) hopped on the nearest lifeboat and row, row, rowed for safety instead of helping the evacuation.
Vladimir PutinPhoto by ALEXEI NIKOLSKY/AFP/Getty Images
Hang-gliding with rare Siberian cranes, deep-sea treasure hunting, fighting a lion—the Russian president topped off his pile of manly feats by pubicly decrying and secretly backing a two-year prison sentence for members of the girl punk group Pussy Riot. Their crime? Staging a “musical” demonstration at Moscow’s Cathedral of Christ the Saviour asking the Virgin Mary to remove Putin from power. Two years for singing? What is this, Russia?! Oh, that’s right, it is.
Jerry SanduskyPhoto by Patrick Smith/Getty Images
People of all religions, let’s join hands in silent prayer that this evil fuck lasts as long as a turd in a prison toilet. Flush!
Chris BrownPhoto by Johnny Nunez/WireImage
How do you follow a crazy bar brawl that leads to a $16 million lawsuit? If you’re Chris Brown, you have a pre-VMA party shut down by the LAPD, get a tattoo resembling your ex’s battered face on your neck, and probably do lots of other dumb shit before this issue comes out.
Cecilia GiménezPhoto by Johnny Nunez/WireImage
First this eightysomething Spanish church lady ruined a century-old fresco of Jesus trying to restore it. Now she’s reportedly demanding royalties because it’s become a tourist attraction. Talk about cojones!
E. L. JamesPhoto by Ferdaus Shamim/WireImage
Has your lady been spending more time with her Kindle than with you? Blame this other lady! The author of the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy, James (real name: Erika Leonard) took the Twilight series and, through fan fiction, somehow created something even worse.
Robert F. Kennedy Jr.Photo by Andy Kropa/Getty
At the funeral for his estranged wife—who had hanged herself—Kennedy comforted mourners by making it clear that it wasn’t his fault: “I know I did everything I could to help her.” You stay ass-y, Robby!
Photo by Al Messerschmidt/Getty Images
After last year’s NFL lockout, we didn’t think the commish could chap our asses any more. But that was before he let replacement refs run wild. Who’d have guessed there’s a bigger NFL asshole than Jerry Jones?
Mahmoud AhmadinejadPhoto by Spencer Platt /Getty
When he’s not denying a nuke program or the Holocaust, this fuzzy fuck uses his time at the UN to state that the West is “destroying clouds” moving toward Iran in order to create droughts. We don’t use technology to destroy clouds—we use it to make clouds look like puppies, silly!
Snooki’s Baby Daddy
Photo by Theo Wargo/Getty Images
Pity the child! When your mom pees and craps herself in public more than you, there’s a .000001 percent chance you won’t grow up to be a great, big, orange-skinned douche. Or the second coming of Lucifer. Blame papa Jionni La Valle when the new Prince of Darkness becomes our juiced-up overlord.
Lance ArmstrongFRANCOIS LENOIR / POOL/ Corbis
We thought he did the impossible, and he did. After winning the Tour de France seven times, surviving cancer, and making bike racing watchable, Lance proved to be one of the worst cheaters in sports history, having doped himself (and his teammates) for years. The worst part? He still denies it. The ball on this guy!
People Terrified of Breaking Bad and Walking Dead SpoilersPhoto Courtesy of FX
They’re the best shows on TV, each chock-full of crazy characters, insane situations, and wild plot twists. And anytime you want to talk about them, without fail some dipshit pipes up not to “spoil” it, because he has 15 episodes on DVR. (Bonus asshole points to our Web editor, Nick Leftley, who still won’t let anyone talk about the last season of The Sopranos.)
The Makers of That Movie That Made the World Blow Up
The producers of the shitty-ass movie Innocence of Muslims
are assholes, and anyone who killed somebody because of this shitty-ass movie is also an asshole. Keyboard Cat
, please play this YouTube disaster off.
Michael Leon Ward
A list of the biggest assholes of 2012 would not be complete without Mikey. Never heard of him? Well, back in January he was arrested in North Carolina for impaired driving. Once he was in jail, Johnny Law discovered that he’d smuggled a 10-inch .38 revolver into his jail cell. Where do they think he hid it, you ask? In his rectum, of course! Now, if that’s not a big asshole, we don’t know what is.