User menu

Main menu


The 28,835 Most Depressing Uses For Jellybeans

#671: Realizing how long we spend in the bathroom.

Jellybeans. They’re fun, right? Like most things we enjoy, they’re colorful, they’re cheap, they contain absolutely nothing natural or good for you, and they can be made to trick your buddy into eating something that tastes like dog food. Which is why it’s puzzling that someone put them to such a depressing use as this video, which somberly lays out exactly how little time we have on this Earth, and how much of that is frittered away on meaningless bullshit like going to the bathroom, or spending time with our families. Oh, sure, it’s meant to inspire you to seize the day and make the best possible use of the time you have left, but most people, on seeing this, will simply curl up under their bedclothes and whimper softly until it’s time to go to the bathroom again.

Let’s take a look at some of those numbers. First off, it assumes an average age of 79. Which…is ok, right? There’s not much to do beyond 79 but watch cable news and stand in CVS, looking confused. So, yeah, dead by 80. We can handle that. But 1,576 days of household chores? That’s nearly four and a half years of feeding the dog and pretending we cleaned the toilet properly! It makes the 671 days we apparently spend going to the bathroom during our lifetime seem positively idyllic. And seriously, whoever counted commuting as three years has obviously never worked in New York, because you can spend three years commuting in a single month here (time works differently on the subway). All in all, this seems like a heinous abuse of jellybeans – one we’d protest, but apparently we’re way behind on the 720 days we’re apparently supposed to spend doing things for the good of the community…


Maximum Exposure: The "Kate Upton Naked On A Horse" Edition

Monsters University: Can You Match The Serial Killer To Their College Major?