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The 4 Crappiest Online Fundraising Projects

Leave your wallet behind. You won’t need it.

Like it or not, the age of the online fundraiser is well underway. Since the inception of internet money-taking (in the name of art, of course), there have been praiseworthy efforts for worthy causesbrilliant innovations, and completely unabashed and rabid fandom. However, for every laudable project, there are approximately 16,000 Joe Schmos who fancy themselves the next Tesla or Kurasawa, shaking their internet cup in order to make the next great thing (which is, in all likelihood, the next horrible thing). Here are five of them.

The MerKaBa Project

Burning Man spawns more of these would-be creations than any other gathering, and as you can imagine, they are all infuriatingly ridiculous. The creators describe the MerKaBa as “A mysterious, interactive, pan-religious, proto-orgiastic portal of sound and image to transport participants beyond consensus reality,” which, as far as we can tell, translates as, “a shoddily constructed dome with a blacklight where a lot of smelly people will sit cross-legged on drugs.” If you're worried that your belief system won’t match up with the MerKaBa, rest your little Jewish/Christian/Red Sox Fan/Scientologist head – the MerKaBa is a one-God-fits-all prayer hutch: All are welcome. Who would have thought that world peace would finally be achieved by a couple hippies and a welding torch?

The Gay Godfather

Dominic Testa, an actor whose finest hour was dropping a single line on Mad Men six years ago, is helming this “laugh riot” that is like The Godfather but -  hold onto your hats, folks – gay. That’s right, the main character goes by "Don Queerleone," which is totally not obvious nor exceptionally offensive to anyone. Even more "not offensive" than the project itself is the video that Dom shat out in order to beg for $5,000. In it, he laughs like an insane person at the idea that’s come out of his own bald head and then joke-promises the lifeguard house behind him to anyone who’ll fund his whole project. With jokes like that, it’s no wonder Dom’s raised an entire, uh, $190.

The Latitude Band

The number one complaint from most watch owners is that they are not getting enough watch. They end up strapping two or three watches on at the same time to avoid the embarrassment of being watch-deficient. Well, solving problems is what online fundraising is all about, and somebody who goes by “Cizl the Engine” has solved the shit out of this one. Say what you will about the style, but you will certainly know what time it is. Unless the times are different – then you most definitely will not.

For Love Design

Aussie heartthrob Sean met Cathy at design school in London, only for the two soulmates to be ripped into different countries after graduation by unnamed financial difficulties that we assume have to do with something called “graduating from design school.” Now Sean wants to return to the UK and close the book on the greatest love story ever told, but there is only one issue – money. But alas, thanks to internet fundraising, Sean can make his return to his lover’s arms by selling nothing more than his wit and some crummy illustrations. Thank goodness Sean never had to debase himself by doing something so ghastly as getting a job.

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