Like most people, we spend 90 percent of our day on the Internet (most of America is still unemployed, right?). And when you spend that long rotating through Gangam Style mashup videos, fedora-wearing guides, and fan edits of obscure Japanese monster movies, you start to notice a few patterns: Forums are super angry on Mondays, 4chan is lame in the summer, and certain days online are worse than horrific college basketball injuries.
Take today, for example! April Fools’ Day used to be about balancing precarious buckets of water over the crooks of doors, super gluing toilet seats, and tricking friends into believing dumb shit (which, thanks to instant fact-checking courtesy of the web is now impossible – thanks a lot, human progress). Now, it’s just about what massive private conglomerate can generate the best viral corporate marketing campaign that will have social media and the rest of the Internet cream itself:
Google Nose (Smell ya later, Bing!)
Twitter charging for vowels (Fckin Awsm!)
YouTube not taking submissions anymore (But what about all the dads trying to post their kids high on laughing gas!?)
Nobody (we hope) would ever consider these true for a second. They’re not April Fools’ Day pranks - these…jokes? are a meta competition to create the best mini promotion that will have the most media jerks (hello!) talking about them. But April Fools’ Day isn’t the only awful time to get emails from your grandparents. Here are three more days you’re better off staying away from the Internet all together:
When The Supreme Court Is Ruling On An Important Case
Your misspelled quotes and fervent Facebook arguments with former coworkers from Buffalo Wild Wings make the planet a sadder place.
The Day After a Presidential Election
Either the world is literally being set on fire, or the government is handing out fat rebate checks with the memo: “For straight partying, bro.” There is no way that life will simply continue on much as it has for hundreds of years and that you will notice no difference in anything.
New Year’s Day
Hey how about you resolve not to bother everyone with your problems? Oooh, you’re quitting heroin? Great, Uncle Frank. Now take that shit off my feed, I got Kardashians to keep up with.