Jack The Giant Slayer is out today, so here are five giants that need slaying immediately.
If you’ve never seen Hawk The Slayer, congratulations: You’re doing something right with your life. Despite the presence of Jack Palance (and as much as Bilbo Bagshot will inflict physical violence upon you for dismissing it), it is truly an awful movie, with some of the worst special effects ever committed to whatever cheap substitute they were using for film that weekend. The absolute nadir is the introduction of the “giant,” Gort. Because, you see, the thing about giants – their defining characteristic, really – is the fact that they’re, well, giant. Gort, meanwhile, is simply a paunchy, balding, middle-aged man who stands, at best, around three inches taller than his tallest companion. Played by Bernard Bresslaw – who was mostly known for his recurring roles in the endless series of bawdy British comedies, the Carry On films – he wielded an oversized battle hammer, which might have been cool if he hadn’t looked like he was about to throw his back out every time he swung it (and if it hadn’t clearly been a large rubber mallet).
4. Giant Man
Photo courtesy of Marvel
God, where to start with Giant Man? The Avengers regular – one of many who didn’t make it to the screen last summer – has had several identity changes over the years, each worse than the last. The man beneath the mask is scientist Henry Pym, and he started out his superhero career as Ant Man, a man with the power to shrink and summon ants, which are less super powers than they are guaranteed ways to repel women in bed. He soon cast that identity aside to become Giant Man, who could grow to 60 feet tall! Which sounds impressive, but considering he was on a team with Iron Man, Thor, and the Incredible Hulk, his strength was pretty much superfluous. He soon changed his name to Goliath, then switched his name and costume again to become Yellowjacket, whose main power was his ability to be super unpopular at picnics. He eventually succumbed to various mental disorders and started beating his wife. He isn’t a very good superhero, is what we’re saying here.
3. Rubeus Hagrid
Photo by Murray Close/ Pigsear
The Harry Potter franchise manages to do the dastardly trick of mixing all the worst things in the world together: Namely, children, school, people who like wizards, and more children. One of its more horrifying aspects is beardy janitor Hagrid, who is described as being a half giant. Which means, of course, that only one of his parents was a giant, which means that - oh good, you’re already picturing a normal human having sex with a giant without us even having to say it out loud. Have fun trying to clean your brain with bleach later.
2. Pyornkrachzark The Rockbiter
Photo courtesy of Warner Brothers/ Everett Collection
This formidable-looking monster appeared in '80s kids’ classic The Neverending Story. Every child who ever saw this spent the whole movie waiting for him to re-emerge after his initial introduction and help kick the Nothing’s butt, but instead, when he does finally show up, he just sits there, announces how depressed he is, and then lets himself get killed. Because that’s what kids go to the movies for, right? Existential-angst and suicide! Woo! He also appeared in the sequel that nobody, including the people who made it, ever saw, and then shows up in the third (third!) movie to sing Steppenwolf’s "Born To Be Wild" in a bad Russian accent while running over rodents on his giant rock bicycle. We’re just hoping this guy gets hit by a glacier sometime soon.
1. The Jolly Green Giant
Call us cynical, but there is not a single non-weird reason for a large, mostly-naked man who spends his life alone in a field full of vegetables to be this fucking happy all the time.