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The 5 Craziest Things You'll Ever Read About Duck Dicks

In case you haven't noticed, duck dicks have been in the news a lot lately. It's not really worth getting into the back story (in a nutshell: conservatives are up-in-arms over federal funding of waterfowl genitalia research), because what's really important here is the duck dicks themselves. With all the hubbub surrounding the story, a whole lot of juicy facts have popped up, thrusting duck penises into the spotlight. Here's what we've gleaned so far about what's under Scrooge McDuck's smoking jacket.

Photo: Everett Collection | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2013

1. They're huge.
Most birds don't have penises. Ducks have them, and they're packing, big-time. In fact, among vertebrates, drakes (male ducks) have the biggest shlongs when compared to their own size. An 8-inch long Argentine blue-bill, for example, swings around 17 inches of duck sausage. That's a lot to quack about.

2. They look like wine openers.
Drakes' corkscrew-shaped phalluses evolved because they're total assholes — Ducks loooove gang-raping, so having a dong that acts like a weapon (it's also lined with spines) ensures their sperm makes it farther than the other feathered rapists. On the bright side, vaginas of lady ducks have all sorts of booby-traps, like dead ends, sharp turns, and spirals, that make forced copulation just a wee more difficult. Think about that next time you see Daisy fawning over Donald. Girlfriend must be dealing with some serious Stockholm Syndrome.

3. They grow bigger around competition.
As if having one of the biggest wangs in the animal kingdom wasn't enough, a duck's package actually gets bigger when they're around more well-endowed drakes. A 2010 study found that their weens grew 15–25 percent longer when they were surrounded by mating rivals in order to edge out the competition. Ducks: They're just like us! Or something.

4. They turn inside-out.
The reason you never see ducks waddling around with their gigantic dongs grazing on the ground is because when they're not in use, the penises are inverted (inside-out) and kept within an internal pouch called the "phallac sac." Jon Hamm should take notes

5. They have "explosive erections and ejaculations."
Here's a slo-mo video. Enjoy! 

Want more science-y stuff? Find out if you're a dinosaur and then watch this black hole swallow a planet larger than Jupiter