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The 5 Most Boring Duties Of The President

Even on Presidents’ Day, it’s not all commanding Seal Team 6 to pick up the laundry…

Between fighting with congress, attending swanky fundraisers, and being in charge of the most powerful military in the entire universe (suck it, Betelgeuse!) it might seem like the President of the United States is busy round the clock doing super-duper cool stuff. But while it’s true that most of POTUS’ day is devoted to running the free world, he’s still got plenty of boring responsibilities. “Like what, Magical Internet Man?” Glad you asked! Let’s find out!

1. Commission Every Single Officer In The Military

Photo: Getty Images | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2014

Whether it’s a lieutenant fresh out of ROTC or a 37 Star Admiral Space General, the president has to personally commission every military promotion. Yes, the president probably has a big stamp saying, “Good Job, Buddy! You Are Great At [ARMY/NAVY/AIR FORCE/COAST GUARD/SECRET TIME TRAVELER SQUAD]! You Win A New Promotion!” that he just pounds on pieces of paper, but still, important as it is, that’s got to be pretty annoying after the 10,000th time. Does Obamacare cover carpal tunnel?

2. Pardon A Thanksgiving Turkey

Over 50 million turkeys get gobbled every Thanksgiving, but the President of the United States of America takes time out of his busy schedule of drone-striking people who owe him money to pardon one turkey each year. One! You know what else the President has the power to do? Universally pardon criminals for whatever reason he wants. So every state that’s slowly realizing marijuana is going to be legal? Yeah, there’s probably a few thousand, you know, humans in jail in those states that are like, “Dude, seriously? A turkey? Can I get a pardon for selling a dime bag back in 1974?”

3. Host The Easter Egg Roll

As if Easter wasn’t confusing enough (so Jesus died, but then he came back, so we paint eggs that are hidden by a gigantic bunny, and then we eat chocolate and a giant ham that, wait, seriously, mom with the 12 layers of honey glaze?), for some strange reason the White House hosts an “Easter Egg Roll” every year. Basically some kids push eggs with spoons through grass while the president looks on and thinks, “I could have you all killed so, so easily.” True and hilarious story: The yearly roll used to be held on the lawn of the Capitol, not the White House. But Congress passed a law forbidding children to use the Capitol lawn as a playground. Just goes to show - the US Congress: Gigantic assholes throughout history.

4. Keep Track Of Commemorative Pens

Photo: AFP/ Getty Images| Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2014

President Obama used over 20 pens to sign Obamacare into law. Let’s see here…B-A-R-A-C-K O-B-A-M-A. According to Math that’s 11 letters. That means every pen was responsible for half a letter or something. How do you sign your name half a letter at a time? How tedious is that? Apparently this tradition started with FDR, who started signing bills with more than one pen so he could hand them out as presents to visiting dignitaries and important members of congress. Those guys must have been like, “Wow. Thanks. A pen. I’ll be sure to treasure it always. I’ll tell my grandkids, ‘Hey, this is when your grandpappy got a piece of shit pen from the President!’ Dick.” To which the president was probably all, “Sarcastic much?”

5) The President Appoints Every Single Ambassador

Photo: Getty Images | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2014

As America’s chief dignitary, it’s the president’s job to see that every American consulate in the world has a presiding ambassador. As either totally cushy gigs where people professionally hobnob and discuss the latest monocle fashions or hellish responsibilities that involve potential kidnapping and death, ambassadorships are difficult to hand out to the almost 200 countries in the world. Plus, every guy who donated more than $500 to the president’s reelection campaign is probably expecting to get posted to Monaco. And when the President starts appointing bozos that are great at running fax machine companies and giving money to important positions…well, that’s when shit like this happens.

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