Mrraoow rrooorw rrrmblnnnggooaawwr! Uggulululrooaw.
Costume parties are fun! Star Wars is fun! Being really hairy is fun! Probably. We still haven’t been through puberty. But still! Combining all three of those things should be awesome…but not if you buy one of the following Chewbacca costumes – costumes, which are actually sold by actual stores for actual money – because Party + Hairiness + Creepiness – Quality x Alcohol – A Wheelbarrow…shit, we suck at math. Let’s just get on with the list.
Frankenstein’s Monster Chewbacca - $44.99
Where to begin with this costume? The man purse? That unspeakably frightening mask? The man purse? (It was so bad we had to mention it twice.) No, for us, it’s the ragged-effect shirt and the sturdy black shoes that make him look for all the world like Herman Munster. Could they not even find this guy some brown socks, even for the photo? The worst part is, George Lucas is probably looking at this picture right now and thinking how awesome it looks. Have fun with your next set of special editions, where Chewie has to stop running through Cloud City to tie up the laces on his size 23 Oxfords.
“I WILL MURDER YOU IN YOUR DREAMS” Chewbacca - $63.79
Being sold under the no-less-creepy name, “Chewbacca Second Skin” (which sort of assumes that the first skin is the one you peeled off that girl you keep in the well – you know, the one who doesn’t enjoy getting the hose), this monstrosity neatly combines the twin horrors of unitards and getting unspeakably murdered, in one squeaky, ball-hugging package. We were going to write a “it looks more like a” type joke here, but every time we look directly at it we start screaming and can’t stop until someone hits us over the head with a copy of Empire on VHS.
Porn Set Chewbacca - $66.98
Do you know what really says, “casual, laid-back, easy-to-chill-with dude” about Chewbacca? Nothing! Nothing, because Chewbacca is a terrifying bear-monster from outer space who will rip your arms off for beating him at space-chess! So why in Heaven’s name would anyone think it was a good idea to make a Chewie costume that looks like it would be worn by off-duty fluffers? Ugh. All we know is, that bag is full of Kleenex and hand sanitizer.
“My New Body Trimmer Got Stuck On The Wrong Setting” Chewbacca - $24.99
The interesting thing about these (and we use the real, official product description, here) “Chewbacca Hands” is that they are, unlike Chewie - who is, and we can’t stress this enough, completely covered head to toe in fur – utterly bald. Look at him – he can barely even hold onto his stupid laser crossbow with his big horse paws (yes, we know, horses have hooves. But if a horse had paws, they would like this, and you know it), and yet this company saw fit to release a pair of brown, finger-detail gloves and call them “Chewbacca Hands.” We look forward to the swim cap “Chewbacca Head” that’s sure to follow.
No. Just No. Chewbacca - $15
There was no larger image of this product available, which seems like a good move on the part of anyone who actually wants to, y’know, sell it. But even the tiny picture that is available shows that whoever designed this thing did so without ever having seen Star Wars. In fact, it seems far more likely that they went entirely by the description of a blind, elderly relative – a blind, elderly relative who had mistakenly watched Planet Of The Apes instead, without ever realizing that Princess Leia wasn’t played by a shirtless Charlton Heston. Okay, we’re off to write some mash-up fan fiction now.