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The 5 Worst People From Your Office To Be Stuck On A Desert Island With

This weekend’s Welcome To The Jungle is a movie about most people’s worst nightmare – getting marooned with your colleagues.

Here at Maxim, most of us thank our lucky stars that we’re fortunate enough to genuinely like everyone we work with. Well…most of them. Well...some of them. Okay, one of them: That guy who turned up to deliver beer once that we never saw again. Harry? Frank? Something like that. Nice guy. Look, everyone tolerates their colleagues for as long as it takes to get the job done, but what if you got permanently stranded with them? Here’s our rundown of the five typical office workers you should consider nudging to the top of your “Expendable/Edible” list.

 

The Guy With No Volume Control


Altrendo Images/ Getty Images | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2014

 

It doesn’t matter who he’s talking to – he could be checking in with HR, calling his girlfriend, or booking his next prostate exam, the volume only has one setting: 11. “OH HEY JUDY, YEAH, THIS IS BRIAN. I SAW YOUR AD FOR A USED HOME GYM ON CRAIGSLIST AND I THOUGHT THAT 11AM ON A WORK DAY WOULD BE AN APPROPRIATE TIME TO CALL AND ASK A LONG SERIES OF BEWILDERINGLY SPECIFIC AND BORDERLINE CREEPY QUESTIONS ABOUT THE THING YOU’RE SELLING BEFORE AWKWARDLY HITTING ON YOU, APPARENTLY OBLIVIOUS TO THE FACT THAT THE REST OF THE OFFICE IS TOTALLY SILENT AND HATES MY FUCKING GUTS. OH, HEY, HANG ON, I GOT CALL WAITING. OH HEY MOM, WHAT’S UP? LISTEN, I NEED TO SPEND THE NEXT 10 MINUTES TELLING YOU ABOUT HOW BAD MY DIARRHEA IS, HOPE THAT’S GOOD FOR YOU.”

Number Of Days Before It’s Acceptable To Eat Him:

Five. He may actually prove useful for locating your camp if you stray too far into the jungle, since you’ll be able to hear him telling Katie from accounts about his waffle iron collection from at least three miles away.

 

 

The “Did You Try Re-Starting It?” Genius


Anderson Ross/ Getty Images | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2014

 

There’s one in every office. There you are, innocently hammering at your computer screen with a mallet after the fifth crash that morning, knowing that in a few minutes, a guy from I.T. will saunter over, suck some air between his teeth and tell you, with all the bedside manner of an abattoir blood-mopper, that the report you’ve been working on for the last hour has just been permanently deleted. But before that, he comes along – the man with the most useless advice in the world. “Did you try restarting it?” he asks, crinkling his brow as though this somehow makes his question less deserving of a punch in the face. Showing a level of restraint that would make Buddha proud, you tell him, through gritted teeth, that yes, you have tried this most obvious and rudimentary of maneuvers. He will then nod sagely and thoughtfully advise, “Yeah…you should probably call I.T.” and stroll away, serene in the knowledge of another crisis averted by his genius intellect.

Number Of Days Before It’s Acceptable To Eat Him:

One. The moment he suggests using matches after watching you spend eight hours trying to start a fire with two sticks, that guy is dead meat.

 

 

The Bad News Bear


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You know the guy. He doesn’t really work there, he just shows up when it’s time to fire people. That is literally his whole job. There are rumors for hours before he appears: Whispers that he was seen on the subway that morning, followed by frantic emailing after rumors circulate that he was spotted in the kitchen near HR. A brief ceasefire is called amid the panic when nothing’s happened by 3PM, but then suddenly at 4:45 there he is – walking silently out of an elevator like the specter of death itself. Before you can say “downsizing,” people are being called into private offices so this man can stare at them with dead, unblinking eyes while calmly reiterating the facts of the grave economic times in which we find ourselves. He is a man who has turned off his ability to feel. He is, in short, corporate America’s greatest, most desirable asset.

Number Of Days Before It’s Acceptable To Eat Him:

One. If you kill him and eat him, he won’t be able to tell you that there’s no longer room for you on the island, but that he sincerely wishes you luck as you make your new home in the sea.  

 

 

Stinky Lunch Guy


Ryan J Lane/ Getty Images | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2014

 

Every fucking day with this guy. Is it a dietary problem? Is it some weird weight-lifting supplement? Is it just that he enjoys eating dog vomit? Who knows? All we’re sure of is that every single day, this man manages to stink out the entire office for a full hour. Maybe it’s the new kimchi and broccoli quiche that he just got from the organic vegan food truck down the street. Maybe it’s the heated up leftovers of last night’s poached egg curry tacos. Or maybe he just hates you and everyone else in your office, and this is the most subtle way he knows of saying, “Fuck you,” again and again, every single day. If it’s the latter, well…we have to admit to having a grudging respect for the bastard.

Number Of Days Before It’s Acceptable To Eat Him:

Eight. It’s going to take him a while to figure out how to whip up something really stinky with your meager rations, especially since you’re all eating outdoors now. But one night, he’ll manage it, and that’s the night his fat ass is getting crisped up over a campfire before you can say, “Piggy lost his glasses.”

 

 

The Team-Building Enthusiast


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We all hate team-building. It’s true. If there is one thing 100% guaranteed to make you hate and despise every single person on your team, it’s being forced to cooperate with them on a series of increasingly irrelevant challenges, especially outside of office hours. Unless your job actually involves climbing a rope or rafting or sitting in a circle discussing your worst fears, team-building is the biggest waste of time in the entire world and should only ever be used by companies as a drastic form of mass-punishment. But then…then there’s this guy. The guy that actually likes it. The mortifyingly overzealous guy that whoops and shouts, “Go team!” every two minutes. The guy that shows up with homemade, matching T-shirts for everyone whenever you go out for after-work drinks. The guy that makes you turn the music off at the Christmas party so he can play everyone a song he wrote about teamwork. In short, the worst guy in the whole world.

Number Of Days Before It’s Acceptable To Eat Him:

Immediately. Just kill that fucker right away. You probably don’t even have to wait to be stranded on a desert island with him – go do it right now, just in case.

 

 

Check out Ask Sheik! The World's Greatest Advice Column, or Watch Kristen Schaal Talk About Poo in This Exclusive Welcome To The Jungle Clip