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The 6 Best (and 6 Worst) Captains of All Time

Captain Chesley "Sully" Sullenberger and the late Captain Phil Harris of Deadliest Catch have proved that there are caps out there who can rise to the occasion when their mettle's tested. That got us thinking about other captains that deserve praise…and others that could've put in a couple more semesters at Captain School.

Captain James T. Kirk: Love him or hate him, this captain always kicked ass. He was the original Ultimate Fighter, combining Judo, Ninjutsu, WWE chair-smashing, and old-fashioned Three Stooges fisticuffs to whoop up on anyone and anything, while simultaneously seducing hot alien chicks and saving the crew of the Enterprise.

Captain Morgan: Although his stance has been replicated too often by old, naked men in gym locker rooms, this captain's rum has helped the young'uns get laid more than James Best at a Dukes of Hazzard convention. And Sir Morgan is also celebrating his 375(ish) birthday this year; guy must have great genes.

Captain Caveman: The steroid-raged cartoon caveman has serious speech issues, is hairier than Robin Williams, and still had three Teen Angels that wanted to rock his bedrock. Probably because he has a really huge...wooden club.


Captain America: It wasn't enough to be given a Super-Soldier Serum and kick Nazi ass all throughout WWII; nope, Cap's been battling villains in the Marvel Universe for decades now. We may scratch our heads at those wings on his mask, but we'll keep our comments to ourselves. We'd hate to get a shield in the crotch.

Captain Jack Sparrow: He captained the Black Pearl, defeated Davy Jones, ogled Keira Knightley for days on end, and Keith Richards (Captain Teague) is his dad. He probably smells like expired George Muresan cologne, however.


Captain Lou: The only vessel the late "Manager Who Would Be Mario" likely ever captained was a rubber band delivery truck, but listen to him sell "Mean" Gene Okerlund on his boy Greg "The Hammer" Valentine in the clip below ("look at the high cheek bones"). That's the kind of exaggeration that inspires a crew.


Captain Stubing:
He’s the exact opposite of Captain Kirk. He never beat anyone up and we don't ever remember him hooking up with any of the girls. Which wouldn’t be too bad, except that he was the captain of the friggin' "LOVE BOAT"! Hello?! Worse yet, he couldn't even keep his crew in line...

Captain EO: This captain (aka Michael Jackson, RIP) used the power of song and dance to fight evil in space. (And impress gullible Epcot Center visitors.) We tried doing the same, but only got atomic wedgies in return. Thanks, Mike!


Captain & Tennille: Tennille always had a smile on her face, so man must have been doing something right. (His last name is Dragon, after all.) But wearing a captain's hat and playing double synthesizers? DOUBLE FAIL.


Captain Kangaroo: Oh, where to begin? The haircut, the suit, and the puppet moose don't exactly instill confidence. And his biggest crisis was being pelted by ping-pong balls.


Captain Hook: As if the Disney animated version weren't bad enough (he repeatedly gets his ass handed to him by a kid with a cheese knife), Steven Spielberg cast Dustin Hoffman as the supposedly towering, terrifying cap in 1991's Hook. You know, Dustin Hoffman...the guy who's about 5'6" and played Tootsie.



Captain Planet: Ugh, okay, we get it. The planet's all screwed up. Pollution is a pain. Litter bad, recycling good. It's bad enough to have these platitudes drilled into our heads by all the green freaks out there, but when our precious cartoon time is eaten up by a mulleted pansy who'd rather clean oil off a penguin than punch out evil robots? BOOOOOO...