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The 6 Coolest Fictional Frozen Dudes

With Frozen in theaters, we’re looking at the icy pals we’d rather hang out with.

(6) Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer from Saturday Night Live


Freezing Incident: He slipped and fell into a glacial crevasse in the Stone Age. Ice is slippery, y’all!

Length Of Time Frozen: One hundred thousand years (or, the equivalent of watching one Houston Astros game).

Life Prior To Being Frozen: A lot of hunting in the plains, killing mammoths, and growing beards.

Life After Being Thawed: He became a very successful Personal Injury attorney by using defenses like, “Sometimes when I get a message on my fax machine I wonder, 'Did little demons get inside and type it?' I don't know because I'm a caveman - that's the way I think... But there is one thing I DO know. When a man, like my client, slips and falls on a sidewalk in front of a public library, then he is entitled to no less than $2 million in compensatory damages!'”

What He Probably Dreamed About While Frozen: Whether or not a jury would agree that slipping on ice during an ice age was “reasonably foreseeable.”


(5) Fry from Futurama


Freezing Incident: While delivering a pizza, Fry tripped and fell into a cryogenic freezing chamber (or he was pushed by an adorable little space creature who poops dark matter, depending which season you’re on).

Length Of Time Frozen: 1,000 years.

Life Prior To Being Frozen: Sad-sack, loser delivery boy.

Life After Being Thawed: Sad-sack, loser delivery boy on a space ship.

What He Probably Dreamed About While Frozen: What it would be like to bone his grandma (which he eventually did, becoming his own grandfather. Yay, time travel!).


(4) Mr. Freeze



Freezing Incident: He slipped and fell into a vat of something and came out an evil supervillain. So, totally different from the rest of Batman’s rogues gallery.

Length Of Time Frozen: He's still kinda frozen, thanks to a chemical bath that makes him only able to tolerate sub-zero temperatures. Although he temporarily became a lot less cool when Arnold Schwarzenegger played him in 1997.

Life Prior To Being Frozen: The brilliant Dr. Victor Fries (pronounced "freeze,” naturally) was unable to save his wife’s life when she got sick, so instead, he froze her to give him more time to work on a cure.

Life After Being Thawed: Mostly spent committing jewel heists and freezing large sections of Gotham City. Supposedly this is to fund his research, but come on, we know he gets a kick out of it.  

What He Probably Dreamed About While Frozen: Winning an award for the worst ice-based puns ever uttered by a bulging Austrian man in a Hollywood movie. Okay…make that second worst.


(3) Austin Powers


Freezing Incident: Austin volunteered to be put into cryostasis until Dr. Evil, who was also cryogenically frozen, awoke in the future.

Length Of Time Frozen: 30 years.

Life Prior To Being Frozen: Lots and lots of shagging, as well as the occasional spy mission.

Life After Being Thawed: Much the same, but with a 3,000,000% increase in irritating fuckwits impersonating him at parties.

What He Probably Dreamed About While Frozen: This.


(2) Han Solo

Freezing Incident: Suspended in Carbonite by Darth Vader, mostly just for the lulz.

Length Of Time Frozen: About a year.

Life Prior To Being Frozen: Being a space gangster and shtupping his best friend’s sister. In other words, being awesome.

Life After Being Thawed: Being blind and nearly getting eaten by a giant sand-vagina. Then going back to being awesome again.

What He Probably Dreamed About While Frozen: How satisfying it was to shoot Gredo first, and how that was one part of his legacy that would never, ever be messed with.


(1) Captain America



Freezing Incident: After an epic fight with Red Skull at the North Pole, Cap crashed his plane and was frozen. Clumsy!

Length Of Time Frozen: About 60 or 70 years.

Life Prior To Being Frozen: Dedicated all his time to proving how a medieval weapon like a shield is still relevant in 20th Century warfare.

Life After Being Thawed: Mostly complaining about the modern world - rap music, the price of movie tickets, etc. Basically, he’s your dad, but with much firmer pectorals.

What He Probably Dreamed About While Frozen:  The Constitution, bald eagles, and punching Hitler in the face.


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