Some people just can’t keep their hands to themselves. Or other body parts, for that matter.
There is no more sexually obsessed animal in the world that the human being. You can keep your bonobo monkey masturbation parties and your dolphin lesbian orgies, because when it comes to pushing the boundaries of strange, humans are the clear winner. Even our timeless works of art aren’t safe from human horniness, as these famously molested statues can attest to.
Crazy Girls, by Michael Conine, Las Vegas
Photo: Flickr.com / Ronnie Macdonald
A cast-from-life bronze sculpture of the Riviera Hotel and Casino’s very own “Crazy Girls,” this statue is supposedly one of the most photographed in Las Vegas. We can say, without fear of contradiction, that it is definitely the most groped. It can be found at the hotel entrance, presumably to give drunk assholes a chance to get it all out of their systems so that they don’t end up being punched by a waitress.
Juliet, by Nerio Costantini, Verona
Photo: Flickr.com / neiljs
A tribute to the famous doomed romantic of the immortal Shakespearean play, Juliet is once again proof that if you’re going to be immortalized with perky breasts, you will spend the rest of eternity being molested. In defense of the numerous casual gropers, it is rumored that stroking the breast will bring you luck in love. On the other hand, it’s also rumored that leaving a love-note is just as good, but then you wouldn’t get some boob, would you, you horny bastard?
Youth, by Bernhard Hoetger, Bremen
Photo via Wikipedia Commons / Godewind
If you ever happen to be in the German city of Bremen, you can go and see some of the famous bronze works by expressionist Bernhard Hoetger, whose art was apparently so degenerate that Hitler himself found it a bit too much. Whilst there you can join the ranks of thousands who give the statue “Youth” a quick, dirty boob-rub. There’s no widely known legend of fertility surrounding this statue, it’s just that the German people appreciate a good rack when they see one, so much so that the statue is in danger of a serious reduction in cup size.
Charging Bull, by Arturo Di Modica, New York
Photo: Flickr.com / Oswaldo Rubio
Sometimes known as the Wall Street Bull, it’s no surprise that this majestic monument to strength and virility features a pair of balls that’d look right at home hanging from the bumper of God’s own pickup truck. It’s considered good luck to rub the bull’s balls, and if that’s true, may we suggest that everyone who works on Wall Street try rubbing their faces into a real bull’s balls immediately.
Adam, by Fernando Botero, New York
Photo: Flickr.com / Paul Lowry
You don’t have to be built like a Greek god to get the ladies’ interest. Apparently being a bulbous, weirdly proportioned simpleton will still get you action - provided you’re flapping in the breeze. So proves this hulking man-baby residing at the Time Warner Center. The interesting fact about this statue is that it really isn’t that old, and yet that pecker has been polished to the point where you can see your face in it. Er, not that you’d want to.
Monument to Victor Noir, by Jules Dalou, Paris
Photo: Flickr.com / iushosh
Victor Noir was a French journalist who died in 1870 challenging Prince Pierre Bonaparte to a duel on behalf of his editor, but ended up getting shot by the prince himself. While the purpose of the monument is to commemorate the unjust murder of a relative innocent, it has become much more widely known for its strapping crotch bulge. Whether a testament to Noir’s reputation of virility, or simply because the French like their statues with big wangs, the Noir Monument’s pants-peak has been rubbed to a shiny gleam by people who think touching it will bring them luck in love. The monument gets so much action it even co-stars in its own softcore porn short. Uh...NSFW, we guess.