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The 7 Biggest Grinches of 2012

We’re still waiting on that “change of heart happy ending” with these guys.


Lloyd Blankfein

Photo by Roger L. Wollenberg / Landov
The Goldman Sachs CEO is just sick and tired of the mooching elderly taking advantage of social security. This year, Blankfein insisted to Congress and the President that our social safety net was not designed to extend payouts to the longer living retirees of modern America, and that raising the retirement age was essential to the US’s fiscal survival. In 2011, Blankfein took home $16.1 million in compensation, which when you compare it to the $54.4 million he pulled down in 2006, you can understand why he’s pissed (do you know how much a unicorn zoo costs?). One of the reasons social security may be insolvent after 2033 (it’s totally fine until then, by the way)? Guys like Blankfein don’t have to pay any social security tax over $110,100, which is probably why Goldman shells out over $200,000 a year just in personal security services for their CEO.


Donald Trump

During the 2012 election, the real estate mogul, TV personality, and Shetland pony impersonator offered to donate $5 million to charity if President Barack Obama released his college records and passport application. When the White House’s only response to his offer was a wet farting sound, Trump generously extended his deadline. And as Hurricane Sandy was at the time annihilating the eastern seaboard, it was nice of Donald to wait for his home state of New York to look less like Atlantis before pressing the issue. Trump’s later due date was also ignored and, after inserting himself into the presidential race with the smoothness of a sandpaper tampon, Trump bitterly withdrew the $5 million dollar pledge. He dangled the promise of food, shelter or other relief in front of the world’s hungry, homeless, and most needy, and then petulantly pulled it back when he didn’t get his way. Human dignity and compassion: You’re fired.


International Auto Components

Photo by PA Photos / Landov
This international car parts company posted a £1.9billion (roughly 5.7 trillion wampum) profit for 2011. At one of their factory’s holiday parties this year, the generous conglomerate offered assembly line workers a killer Christmas bonus: one bacon sandwich (or sausage if they were feeling picky). In Fremont, OH In 2006, the same company promised to create 150 jobs and preserve 300 more if given generous tax credits. IAC created none of those positions and ended up cutting 30 instead. With a proud record of dropping loads on people’s dreams, we’re guessing IAC is looking to head into 2013 by expanding their business into puppy mangling, rainbow diffusion, and South Korean music production.


This Literal Grinch

Photo by Vincent Besnault / Getty Images
It takes a special kind of sociopath to steal from kids, but it’s a cartoon Christmas special-level of villain that steals from homeless kids. Just this month, a Young Women’s Christian Association (like the YMCA, but with fewer Native Americans, construction workers, and mustachioed 80’s cops) in Seattle was ripped off for over $6,000 worth of toys designated for poor children in the area. The only present left from the original 300? A single Hello Kitty bag, which is both really sad and, yet, really funny. If anything, couldn’t you stuff other stolen toys in the Hello Kitty bag? Was Hello Kitty so repugnant that, as the burglar packed up Easy Bake Ovens, Magic cards, and the shattered hopes of homeless kids, he said, “Well, we should probably leave them with something”? Is it a clue that will lead investigators through a series of terrifying ordeals ending in the thief’s hidden fortress layer (a box in an alley made out of pee and old steak French fries which, face it, nobody likes)? So many questions! While the jerk (or jerks) who perpetrated the crime haven’t returned the gifts like the actual Grinch, generous Seattleites more than replaced all the stolen toys. And that will grow your heart three sizes any day (cardiomegaly is actually a really serious disease so get that checked).   


America’s CEOs

Photo by Jim Ruymen / Landov
In response to President Obama’s healthcare initiative and the Supreme Court’s upholding of the law, corporate America threatened to pretty much fire everybody. And nobody made a grosser spectacle out of it than wax-faced, castle-owning John Schnatter, AKA Papa John. Forbes estimated that to cover the cost of Obamacare, Papa John’s franchises would have to raise the prices by $.04 a pie. But in comments to shareholders and at a business conference, Schnatter implied that franchise owners and corporately owned stores would cut employee hours below 30 a week, therefore circumventing the requirement to insure them. Schantter later recanted those words and issued an editorial promising to give healthcare to all of his employees per the letter of the law. In the meantime, the company will continue to give away 2 million free pizzas, at huge expense, as part of its promotion with the NFL. Are the tears of the proletariat a topping choice yet?


Toronto Animal Services

Everyone loves that IKEA monkey except the municipality of Toronto. While a young macaque named Darwin dressed in a shearling coat lost in a furniture supply store spawned novelty Twitter accounts and endless photoshops, Toronto Animal Services were less than amused. They’ve removed the mischievous monkey to a primate sanctuary in Ontario, far from his human mother. And now she’s going to court to try and get her monkey back (a sentence we’ve always wanted to write). Her only defense? Probably this video of her and the monkey brushing their teeth together. If that doesn’t convince you she’s a fit monkey mother, you’re a soulless monster with a heart made out of little crushed up Simon Cowells.
Roger Goodell

Photo by Mike Theiler / Landov
The NFL commissioner bungled the referee lockout, hammered the New Orleans Saints during Bounty Gate only to be repudiated by former commissioner Paul Tagliabue, and has generally done his best to downplay the severity of concussions in former pro football players. He’s somehow managing to damage the fun and credibility of America’s most popular sport, and now he wants to eliminate kickoffs. He’s the Grinch if the Grinch decided to apply his hatred of Christmas to doing his Grinch job…whatever that is. Goodell’s performance as commissioner seems to show a deep dislike for the sport he commissionerates. At this point, we’d rather the NFL owners just appoint the IKEA Monkey.
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