Yes, you are beautiful, but do you know how to hack up a lamb?
Photo: Robin Bartholick / UpperCut Images | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2013
When you think about beauty pageants, you probably imagine a gaggle of hot girls prancing around in bikinis in front of Donald Trump and his toupée. Not all pageants are so traditional, however...
Miss Navajo Nation
Sure, the reigning Miss America champion may be easy on the eyes, but can she butcher a lamb and properly grind corn? We’re going to guess no, which, by the standards of Miss Navajo Nation, would make her a sad, sad failure. Sound strange? Absolutely, but when you consider that the winner gets a brand new, fully-furnished apartment, it seems worthwhile. Considering the amount we fork out every month just to keep our rat-infested studio apartments in New York, we'd defintiely butcher more than a lamb for a prize like that (Big Sal, if you're reading this, you know where to find us).
Miss Klingon Empire
This one's for you, Trekkies. Starting in 1998, and held every September at the Star Trek convention in Atlanta, women decked out in Klingon costumes compete to be the empress of the fictional Planet Qo’noS. Participants are typically judged on their elaborate costumes, Klingon-themed talents, and their M-class planet personality. As you can see below, they take this shit SERIOUSLY.
Alternative Miss Ireland
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and in this non-traditional beauty pageant, only the truly original are welcome. Although the competition was discontinued in 2012 after an 18-year run it was one-of-a-kind, if only because everyone was encouraged, including "men, women, and anything else." One year, a dog participated. Talents ranged from doing a line (yes, you read that correctly) to laying down on a bed of nails, all in an effort to win the much sought-after Medusa Crown of Shamrocks. These days, sadly, Ireland has to rely on more traditional pageants.
World Goldfish Queen
Leave it to China to start the strangest, most unnecessary beauty pageant in the world. About 3,000 goldfish from fourteen different countries congregated in a warehouse in Southeast China late last year, presumably against their will, their owners all hoping to be awarded the prestigious title of World Goldfish Queen. The fish are judged on breed, body shape, color, swimming gestures (those flapping fins take skill), and overall impression. So, who was the winner this year? Who cares, it’s a goldfish...
We’ve always loved a great pair of legs – in regards to both women and chicken – but this isn't exactly the leggy pageant we can get behind. In it, contestants parade around on stage in a sexy bathing suit, covering half their body with a cardboard turkey cutout. As you can see in this clip, it's actually kind of disturbing.
Miss Beautiful Morals
It's hard to have a conventional beauty pageant when women are only allowed to wear burkas, so it's no surprise that Saudi Arabia's lone beauty pageant forgoes physical considerations and instead focuses on women's beautiful souls. Examined over a three-month period, participants are judged on their personal values, parental respect, and social ideals, so if you're reading this, you're probably not eligible.
Anyone who doesn't think bikini-clad women posing in front of nuclear reactors is hot should stay the hell out of Russia. Nuclear.Ru, a Ruski-based energy company, tried to give their toxic waste a good name by having their unexpectedly hot female employees, and other women of the industry, compete in a beauty pageant in yet another example of how sex doesn't always sell. While this seemed to work for a few years, the competition stopped after 2011. We can't imagine why.
Alternative Holiday Cheer
Maxim's April Cover Girl: Danielle Fishel