We all could use a little pick-me-up every now and then. Sometimes you reach for a Monster or a Rockstar, but what do you do when those blazing cans become familiar, dull, and boring? How can you flood your energy glands then? Short answer: meth! Alternatively, you might want to think of extending your hairy arm and pulling back one of these also-ran drinks -- they’re so weird that just by gazing upon a single can they’ll super-charge you with so much unbridled vitality that you’ll never need to sleep again. (Warning: You might die if you attempt that without these drinks. Or with them.)
Tony Little’s HyperActive Extreme Energy Drink
It makes sense that a guy who’s spent his career hocking exercise machines would want to sling an energy drink. It’s like Tony Little has extracted his magic sauce, crystallized it, and then mass marketed it right to you! The powder -- plop it in water and get ready to “kick butt!” -- comes in two flavors, Killer Orange and Shockin Berry, which also are the best ‘80s bands to listen to while mainlining this stuff.
Hulk Hogan’s Hulk Energy
When The Hulkster isn’t rapping, helping launch his daughter’s music career, his son’s racing career, and, in his own words, “being involved in a hit series,” he’s recharging with his very own energy drink. In his own words, “If anyone is in need of their own energy drink, it’s me.” Apparently Thunderlips was never told he can drink anything that’s already a liquid and doesn’t have to subject the rest of the world to this slop. Also, it’s off the market, which might explain why the Hulk has been so lethargic lately.
Ed Hardy Energy Drinks
Ed Hardy’s clothes get a bad rep because they tend to be worn by amateur guidos. The SoCal tat artist’s line of energy drinks get a bad rep because they’re guzzled by ungrateful twerps in Hollywood: Hulk’s own daughter, Brooke Hogan, totes her can around like it was a long-haired mini Dachshund in her damn handbag.
Bob Marley’s Marley’s Mellow Mood
When is an energy drink not an energy drink? When it’s Bob Marley’s (estate’s) take on Purple Drank. This stuff will slow your roll so much with an intense focusing of your energy that the can actually warns you against drinking two of them in a single sitting. Shut up, Bob Marley in can form. You’re not the boss of me!
Ben Johnson’s Cheetah
This Canadian sprinter was disqualified from the Olympics for doping in the ‘80s, and his reward is endorsing this royal jelly-injected energy drink. (“We’re using a 2,000-year-old Chinese recipe,” Johnson explained, presumably, off a cue card in a TV spot.) In that case, we can’t wait for Lance Armstrong to come out with a line of professional-grade bicycles that break when you tell the truth.
Steven Seagal’s Lightning Bolt
Just because Steven Seagal has a black belt doesn’t mean he should be selling an “Asian Experience”-flavored beverage. What is that, anyway? Two iron palms brimming with MSG? Look, if we couldn’t buy Tom Cruise as the last samurai, we ain’t buying Steven Seagal as Asian. Not even Asian-ish.
Rappers’ retirements are little more than a marketing ploy to build up hype for their next albums (just ask Tupac.) So, that must mean Nelly has something mega-dope planned for whenever it is Pimpjuice comes back on the market. Unless, of course, Nelly has burned through our world’s supply of our most valuable non-renewable resource: this funky-looking green juice you get when milking a pimp cashew-dry.