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The Apology Gift Guide

Forgot Valentine’s Day? Then you need to be buying some of this stuff in a hurry.

If you forgot to buy your significant other a gift on Valentine’s Day, you don’t need to worry – the whole thing can be smoothed over with a sensible discussion explaining that you’ve got a lot of other things on your mind, and she’ll totally understand. Just kidding! You’re fucked. You now have two options – either buy her something hideously expensive, or take the road less traveled and get her something off this list.

Women’s Boxing Gloves, price varies

It’s the best possible way to say, “I totally understand your need to beat the crap out of me right now, but I still want to make sure you don’t bruise your delicate, lovely knuckles while you do it.”

“Help, I’m Dating A Jerk” T-Shirt, $41.50

Get her this shirt, then encourage her to wear it out to a bar with you that night. Each humorous encounter caused by the shirt will quickly devolve into her telling everyone from the bar staff to complete strangers what an absolute useless fuck-up you are for a full 15 minutes at a time, which will be both therapeutic and reduce her need to just repeat these facts to you relentlessly for the next month.

Stuffed Venereal Diseases, $34.99

Sometimes you have to apologize the day after Valentine’s Day, and it has nothing to do with you forgetting to buy her a gift. If you’ve accidentally shared more than your love with a partner this year, break the news with a friendly-looking stuffed toy representing whatever terrible infection you passed on. No one can stay mad at herpes when it’s this adorable!

Adult Toast, $29.95

Did you get too drunk to perform? Even worse, did you get too drunk to even make it to the restaurant for dinner? Well, it happens. Let her know you’d like a redo at both activities the next morning with a very special breakfast in bed. It’s subtle!

The Electro Deluxe Hanson Humbler Testicle Clamp Ballstretcher, $109.99

Tried all of the above and she still wants to rip your balls off? Then you may as well try and incorporate it into your sex life. Designed for bondage fans who want to act out submission fantasies by locking their balls in…you know what? We can’t even finish that sentence. Seriously, we have no idea how this thing’s supposed to be fun. Just hand her the hedge trimmers and let her get it over with.

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