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Funny

The Cold 100

Not everything can be as hot as Bar Refaeli or the surface of Mercury.

The Internet called and said we need to offset the hotness of the Hot 100 and Hometown Hotties with a list of things that are cold. And so...The Cold 100 was born.

1. Properly stored beer

2. Poorly stored lava

3. Greenland

4. Tim Burton’s house (we assume)

5. A can of keyboard cleaner after you sprayed it for a few minutes

6. Pluto

7. Ghosts

8. The current album sales of The Fat Boys’ back catalogue

9. Our dentist’s hands

10. Our dentist's kisses

11. The glowstick that we tried to save for later by putting it in the fridge

12. Superman’s breath

13. Toilet water

14. Hoth

15. That mountain from Cold Mountain

16. Mint Slurpees

17. A snowball in heaven

18. Small talk after sex with a prostitute

19. Bad soup

20. Really, really powerful shade

21. Dickensian London

22. A cat’s silent judgement

23. Winter in Westeros

24. Snake and bird blood (as is our understanding)

25. Every office where middle-aged women work, or so their complaints have lead us to believe

26. The cleanest area of a kiddie pool

27. Christopher Walken’s stare

28. Stethoscopes

29. Eating a snow cone after first rinsing with Listerine

30. The other side of the pillow

31. Good Russian soup

32. The way your feet feel after you change into bowling shoes

33. The way your legs feel after you change into bowling slacks

34. The foot of a liquid Terminator rubbing up your leg first thing in the morning

35. Tilda Swinton’s soul

35. Superman’s Fortress of Solitude

36. Recently killed butlers

37. Mt. Everest

38. Toothpaste Sundae

39. Santa’s tears

40. Your vegetables

41. Outerspace

42. Cars that have recently traveled through time

43. You, if you’re looking for your present. Colder...colder.... [Giggle]

44. Sex with Gary Sinise (presumably)

45. Mint peanuts

46. The floor

47. Mr. Snow Miser

48. Breaking up via text message

49. Breaking up via hand gesture

50. Breaking up via a goofy Maxim article. (Sorry, Donna.)

51. Showers

52. Mint showers

53. Pudding Pops...if those still exist

54. Leprechaun meat, if served properly

55. The inside of a pumpkin

56. The Titanic (currently)

57. Mr. Freeze’s urine

58. Balloons that burrow through the Earth

59. The middle of a Hot Pocket

60. Liquid Nitrogen

61. Mint Nitrogen

62. Polar bear tongues

63. Batman’s voicemails

64. Metal poles in 1930’s Indiana around Christmastime

65. Anti-tabasco sauce

66. Dog noses

67. Dog spleens

68. Nude fishing

69. Eskimo cats

70. Mr. Narwhal

71. Gold, if you have a particular type of dyslexia

72. A penguin’s taint

73. Roads that are the basis for reality trucking shows

74. Dry ice

75. Revenge

76. The Fonz in a freezer

77. Fla-Vor-Ice

78. A miser’s mansion

79. Funky Medina

80. Frost Giant

81. Klondike Bar Soup - a dish of our creation that combines Klondike Bars, a bowl and lots of mashing

82. Klondike Bar Stew - Same as the soup, but stir rather than mash

83. The saliva of Gene Hackman, according to the urban legend

84. The old abandoned ventriloquist dummy factory

85. Harrison Ford

86. Watermelon meat

87. Edward Scissorhands’ workshop

88. Water balloon water

89. Snot

90. Lubricant other than snot

91. Raw oysters

92. Chelsea Handler’s toes before we give them our patented foot massage (Call us, Chelly!)

93. The inside of a flute when it’s being used

94. Horrible hot dogs

95. Delicious pizza and Chinese food

96. Val Kilmer in Top Gun

97. The feel of porcelain against your bare neck

98. Wind

99. Heath Ledger jokes

100. Very hard water