Read on for tales of horror, poop, woe, poop, injury and poop. Seriously, lots of poop.
Want to win an inFamous 2 Hero Box Set? Enter our 'Crappiest Vacations' Contest Below!
A little while back, we asked you to send us your shitty job stories, in return for Killzone 3 goodies. We expected to hear some terrible things, but all we can say is: wow. We realize we have it pretty cushy here at Maxim (although it’s not always sunshine and roses: just this morning, for example, the office hot tub was ever so slightly below optimum temperature. We had to fire our entire masseuse staff over it) but still, the horror stories you sent us were shocking. We liked them so much, in fact, that we’ve decided to give away three of the Killzone 3 Limited Helghast Edition boxes in an effort to ease your pain.
We received so many entries, however, that we felt we should show a few of the stories that were nearly bad enough to win the prize, but just not quite. Here are the honorable mentions: the three lucky (we use that word in the loosest sense possible) winners are here.
THE RUNNERS UP
LEPROSY FOR BREAKFAST
I work in health-care. The worst part of this job is dealing with all the dirty people. They’re dirty AND old. You think you got dust problems?? I got people here that are literally rotting right in front of you. Around here we call it “Corn Flakes”, because it’s big pieces of skin just falling off of people, or coming off with tape, etc. And it gets worse from there…intestinal bleeds (worse than a dead body smell), diarrhea, really bad B.O. We’ve had a few people that we refused to do any tests on because they smelled so bad. They come in here after fishing and NO shower. It’s enough to make me wish I die before 70.
--George, Florida
Thanks, George, for ruining breakfast for us forever. FOREVER.
GETTING THE ‘DAS BOOT’
I would have to say the worst job I have ever done was while being on submarine duty in the NAVY. No sunlight, no girls, and the same 150 faces for six months at a time. It also didn't help being the smallest person on the boat. I was always in the confined spaces including inspecting sanitary tanks for damage and such (doesn't get much shittier than actually crawling through shit, ha ha). But I got a chance to serve my country and for that I am thankful.
--Richard, Kalama, WA
We’re thankful too, Richard. Mostly that we’ve never had to crawl through submarine poop.
PUKE & LINGERIE
This isn't something I share with too many people, but the shittiest job I ever had was lingerie waitressing. I needed money and nobody would give me a job: it was that simple. Tips sucked, I was constantly on cleaning duty even though I was a waitress and I had to clean up shit once (REAL shit). Believe it or not, I enjoyed it at first, until it mostly consisted of mopping up puke in my lingerie. I only did it for a year - the customers got worse and worse as time went on and they just got super sleazy and the place smelled of a constant stench of fried chicken (yes, you do get sick of the smell). I regret ever doing that now that I think about it.
--Brent, Springfield, VA
This was just about the most depressing entry we received. It narrowly missed a winning spot, but frankly we don’t believe you can actually get sick of the smell of fried chicken.
RIDING THE CONCRETE VIBRATOR
I went from a 2nd level manager in telecommunications to a concrete road construction laborer. My job is I get to "run the concrete vibrator." That consists of a backpack with a long metal cylinder you have to pull in and out of the "mud." Not only does your arm feel like it's going to fall off from the repetitive motion, but you get a great concrete facial too!! I have to strip down and change clothes every day BEFORE I get to step foot in my auto for the ride home. The last thing I will mention is that I am a whopping 125 lbs: the backpack itself weighs 105, so there’s a small strain on the back… The things you will do for your family!
Thank you,
Ricky
Dude, we feel for you. But seriously, thanks for cramming more innuendoes into your entry (damn it, another one!) than anyone else.
On to the WINNERS!
Tell us more crappy stories to win the awesome inFamous 2: Hero Edition!
That’s right, we’ve got more cool stuff to give away. If you want to win the Infamous 2: Hero Edition, tell us about your crappiest ever summer vacation. Took a hot air balloon ride that crashed into a sewage plant? Caught three STDs and possibly leprosy off a Thai hooker? Went to Belgium? We want to know about it! We have three of these prizes to give away, so get writing!
Send your entries for Maxim’s Crappiest Contest to win@maxim.com with “Crappiest Vacation” in the subject line.