While you’re cooking those burgers, might as well cook your goose too.
(Photo: Getty Images | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2013)
Summer’s here, and that means burgers, pool parties, and grim, painful, inescapable death. Oh, you didn’t know that the Grim Reaper was invited to your barbecue? Do your research – there’s just about as many ways to die at a pool party as the number of Coors Lights your weird neighbor Kevin has housed before hitting on your wife. And then your dog.
So, get your affairs in order and say your goodbyes - the grill’s on!
Luckily for us, the most common way to die at a barbecue is also the most exciting. Leave it to us humans to develop metal containers of combustible gas just so we can make our meats outside. It’s almost like we are asking for a fiery rocket to the face (and we don’t just mean our jalapeno cornbread).
If you’re like us, you want your steak so rare that it’s pretty much still mooing. But with that moist, tender deliciousness likely comes millions and millions of tiny little friends. Friends with names like E. Coli, who overstay their welcome and clean you out (literally). But don’t you worry; Salmonella only hangs around from one to EIGHT days. If you aren’t dead by day five, you’ll be wishing you were.
The best way to combat the aforementioned foodborne illnesses is to keep your grill area clean. There’s absolutely no way that that can kill you, right? WRONG, dummy! (Sorry, that was harsh.) Apparently cleaning the grill is more hazardous than you ever imagined. Metal grill bristles left behind on the grill have wound up in people’s food and, eventually, their organs. How people don't realize that they aren't eating metal grill bristles is beyond us, but maybe chewing was so last year.
Of course, if all else fails, you can always drink yourself into an early grave at your next barbecue. Besides, with that hot sun bearing down and that hot grill bearing up, refreshment is primary to almost anything, maybe even including your life. Sure, you can tell yourself that you’re “sweating it out as quickly as you are drinking it,” but the amount of booze secreted through your skin is almost zero. Your liver is doing all the heavy lifting (as per usual).
Regular darts are all well and good, but where are the stakes? If you get hit with a dart in a dingy barroom game you’ll walk away with nothing more than a small puncture, a funny story, and maybe just a smidgen of tetanus. Lawn darts carry an actual weight – the giant projectiles sent 6,100 people to the hospital from 1980-1988, before they were banned. This may cause a bit of trouble in getting your soft and yet un-punctured hands on them, but get creative – nothing this much fun (or dangerous) is ever easy.
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