Celebrity amateur sex videos, (or, for some, “media violations of sweet, slightly grotesque love-making sessions”) have been popping up rapidly since Kim Kardashian’s big screen debut in 2007. While some are weirdly hot, others cause incessant projectile vomit. Talking of which - enter Hulk Hogan (oh God no, not like that). A recent black-and-white sex tape (fortunately void of the neon night vision that makes participants look like deformed space cadets) features the 59-year-old professional wrestler pretty much just hanging out, while his brunette counterpart does all the work. Lucky for us, only one minute and forty seconds of video could be found, so our eyes did not need to be plucked out with a rusty spoon. Below is an extremely shortened list of what we found to be the most upsetting factors of Hulk’s time in the sexual limelight.
Video Screengrabs via Gawker
1. The Introduction of the Mystery Man
While a naked woman lies under a canopy bed - and underneath Hulk Hogan’s already throbbing, thermos-sized junk - some guy off camera encourages them to “do their thing.” Rumored to be radio VJ Bubba the Love Sponge (and Hulk’s best friend), this could be the creepiest thing we’ve ever seen. Pushing your hot, young wife to perform fellatio on an ancient, veiny woody is more than we can bear.
2. The Absence of the Bandana
During the process of stripping down, Hulk’s deteriorating hairline is exposed, leaving him hard to recognize without the colored head wrap - not to mention that the absence also made it more apparent that his hair matches his pasty white ass (we only know this because it kept insisting on being in full view the entire time the camera was rolling).
3. An Interruption from Brooke Hogan
While in the middle of tiring grunts and thrusts, Hulk’s phone goes off with the ringtone “About Us,” his daughter’s single that sparked a less-than-promising singing career. Naked and sweating, he goes to the voice. Truly a proud and dedicated father.
4. Hulkamania Evolves into a 15-year-old Girl with Body Issues
After Hulk basks in his happy ending (and by "bask" we mean "sitting on the edge of the bed while someone-get-me-an-inhaler-or-paramedic-stat breathing"), he makes his emotions known: “Fuck, I just ate too. I feel like a pig!” You’d think a sexy comment like that would have started a second go-around.
5. The Wistful Goodbye
With a sentimental kiss on the head and a “Thank you, stay cool, you’re awesome,” we can assume that Hulk is a definite ladies’ man and will not have to lean on his friends’ wives for help ever again.