No one could have ever expected any of these actors to end up as playthings for children.
<strong>11. Sandman (Thomas Haden Church, <em>Spider-Man 3</em>)</strong>- 11. Sandman (Thomas Haden Church, Spider-Man 3)
Sandman is one of our favorite Spider-Man supervillains, and we're honestly not that upset about Church being cast to play him in the third installment of the series. It's just that if you had told us in '95 that the dopey mechanic from Wings would someday be sitting on toy shelves around the country, we would've laughed our asses off. At least they haven't made a Monk action figure of Church's Wi
<strong>10. Kevin Costner (Mariner, <em>Waterworld</em>)</strong>- Hey, kids! It's your very own Mariner figure from that movie no one saw because it sucked! He comes with a rocket-firing gun and realistic receding hairline! The thought that kids actually wanted to mumble and pout like Costner during playtime was just the cherry on top of the poorly thought-out and executed debacle that was Waterworld.
<strong>9. James Spader (Dr. Daniel Jackson, <em>Stargate</em>)</strong>- "OK, Timmy, I've got Superman, He-Man, and Optimus Prime on my side. What do you have?" "Um…that guy from Boston Legal?" What could a James Spader action figure be good for other than suggestively leering at your sister's Bratz dolls and making everyone creeped out and uncomfortable?
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<strong>7. Kate Beckinsale (Anna Valerious, <em>Van Helsing</em>)</strong>- Granted, this cold, plastic, emotionless toy is an uncanny replica of the real thing, but again, what kid wants to recruit a prim English rose in a corset when he's planning on fighting the forces of evil? The only reason Keira Knightley isn't on this list for the same reason is because her Pirates of the Caribbean figure is the manliest of that bunch. Johnny Depp's comes with a locket and glitter stickers.
<strong>6. Vince Vaughn (Nick Van Owen, <em>The Lost World: Jurassic Park</em>)</strong>- If you walk by your kid's room and you hear them yelling out things like, "I like where your head's at, Raptor," or "I don't care if I go home with this baby T-rex, or one of its beautiful baby friends," or "You know, there's a nice way to handle people, Dr. Grant." Don't worry— they're just lost in the moment with their action-adventurer Vaughn! Just be glad this thing doesn't have a voice chip of its own.
<strong>5. William - Remember that big, fat punch line the Bears let run for an easy touchdown instead of Walter Payton in the 1986 Super Bowl? Well, he later joined G.I. Joe as a…big, fat punch line. Kids were rightfully confused by this one. Is he just a ringer for the Joe's intramural touch football team, or is he actually supposed to fight Cobra? At least Sergeant Slaughter kind of had a military background.
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<strong>4. Matt LeBlanc (Major Don West, <em>Lost in Space</em>)</strong>- Yep. Joey from Joey tried to muscle some space on the toy shelf next to Han Solo and Voltron, and, like his Friends spin-off, crashed and burned horribly. To be fair, the entire Lost in Space movie was an imitation-butter-slathered abortion, but trying to pass off a guy whose only claim to fame is playing a borderline-retarded male slut as a space adventurer is the kind of bullshit kids see right through.
<strong>3. Michael McKean (Gorman Seedling, <em>Coneheads</em>)</strong>- We're shocked and amazed that A) There actually was a series of Coneheads action figures based on the movie and that B) someone thought Michael McKean in a suit would be a swell thing for a kid to find in his stocking Christmas morning. What's next? A super articulated figure of his gay dog owner from Best in Show? It could come with a bulletproof kimono and an arm-mounted gun that shoots catty comments.
<strong>2. Roy Scheider (Captain Nathan Bridger, <em>SeaQuest DSV</em>)</strong>- Our requests for a Joe Gideon figure have long been ignored ("It's showtime!"), but at least we can take this tiny plastic Scheider into the bathtub and terrorize it with rubber sharks. Seriously, though—Roy Scheider, Action Hero? Even in Jaws he mostly sat around looking kind of ill. We're not sure what, exactly, SeaQuest SVU or whatever was (didn't they solve rape cases with the help of a friendly dolphin?), but we know a figure that's going to be collecting serious dus
<strong>1. Jeff Goldblum (David Levinson, <em>Independence Day</em>, Dr. Ian Malcolm, <em>Jurassic P- That's right, folks: That tall drink of stuttering machismo Jeff Goldblum doesn't just have one action figure, he practically has his own superteam ("Go Team Goldblum/Go Team Goldblum/Go Team Goldblum Go-o-o-o-o-o-o!") We hope your kids have learned to deliver their lines with a snide sense of irony, because the Justice League has met its match. Of all The Big Chill alumni to thoroughly take over Toys R Us, our money was totally on Glenn Close. Shows what we know.
<strong>8. William Hootkins (Red Six, <em>Star Wars</em>)</strong>- More like Who-tkins? Of course, you may know him from his character name: Morbidly Obese X-Wing Pilot (it's in the credits. Swear to God). Old Willie Hoot also appeared as Morbidly Obese G-Man in Raiders of the Lost Ark, but, oddly, never had an action figure made from that character. Either way, kids shouldn't ever play with chubby men in flight suits. It's just a matter of principle.