You know those ads. The ones that send you leaping for the remote control like A-Rod straining for a line drive. You will do anything in your power to mute or change networks before the first tinkle of their soul-crushing background scores, because just a few seconds is all they need to have you opening the Scotch and muttering that "all is lost." That's right - The news is disheartening, the state of entertainment is disappointing, and your team's playoff performance is underwhelming. But these? These are the real soul-crushers.
Seroquel XR
People so depressed they actually become ONE WITH THEIR FURNITURE? Is David Lynch doing commercials for hire now? Seroquel manages to be both creepy and incredibly, incredibly sad. Because who hasn't, from time to time, felt themselves blending into the frozen food aisle like some kind of bi-polar chameleon?
Medical CareClub
At first glance, this looks like just another one of those "ads for old people" you can blissfully ignore - but then it hits you. The fake doctor looks right into the camera and implores the elderly to "stop using dirty cathaters." Across the country, a million spit takes ruin HDTVs. Gaaaaah. Old people so lonely and infirm they can't even bring themselves to replace their moldy urine straws? Is this a telethon? We have to save these people.
NYC Health
A local ad designed to ruin the tri-state area's TV time more efficiently than the Jets, Giants, and Patriots put together, this anti-smoking tirade features "Marie" - a resident of the Bronx who smoked until SHE LOST HER FINGERS. The fact that this ad comes on most frequently during dinner is just a crime, but the matter-of-fact way in which Marie describes doctors trimming off her digits like they were stray hairs is the real blow. You might wanna consider quitting, yeah...
PlanNow.org
Whether its former Roseanne star Laurie Metcalf or Beau "Brother of Jeff" Bridges, the basic ad is the same. Instead of some vague call to help starving third world children, you get slammed in the face with the story of "Alex." Yes, Alex, the pre-teen boy whose parents were killed and who now has to raise his three infant siblings with nothing but a bowl of rice seasoned with tears (way to lend a hand guy behind the camera). This will turn even the most child-resistant person into Angelina Jolie in 30 seconds.
BCSPCA/ASPCA
Oh, yes. You probably know this one by its other name: "Sarah McLachlan and those fucking dogs." Not only does this ad reach out of the TV and use your heart as a hacky sack, it also has the audacity to go on longer than McLachlan's recording career. Dogs and cats peer into your soul with faces that say, "You did this to me!" and even if you've never so much as shooed a cat off a couch you will end up blaming yourself by time this commercial mercifully ends.