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The Paranoid’s Guide To Surviving April Fools’ Day

It’ll help you get through the day alive…unless this is a trick too!



April fools? Heck no, you are a man and you are nobody’s fool. Not even April’s. Sure, you may have lined up for a left-handed Whopper, and maybe you did weep in joy at that flying penguin video, and maybe you were the only guy in the office who dressed down for Naked Thursday - but not this year, damn it! This year you’re not falling for anybody’s bullshit. No more having things glued to you or being glued to things. No more blind dates that turn out to be interventions. This year you are the Mr. T of April: You pity da fool. You. Pity. Da. Fool.


Step 1: Waking Up.

Okay, have you wet the bed? There’s a damp patch? Smell it. Don’t look at us like that - take a deep whiff of the suspicious wet patch on your bed sheets. See? Ordinary tap water. You are a man and you don’t wet the bed anymore! Now go and brush your teeth. WAIT! Did you forget what day it is? Check your toothpaste! See, just as we thought, you were about to brush your teeth with ass cream. Not a good way to start the day.


Step 2: Breakfast

Cereal? No. Too easy. You already know damn well that those aren’t raisins in your oatmeal. Just settle for coffee. NO DON’T. That was just to see if you were paying attention: Any idiot can put rat feces in your coffee – it’s April Fools’ Joke/Attempted Poisoning 101. You’re not having breakfast. Were you about to check the daily news? STOP. Anything you read today is probably a lie. It doesn’t matter if there’s a front page headline saying that there’s a maniac outside your house armed with a thousand angry snakes, today is a day for ignoring everything you read. Except this article, obviously.


Step 3: Going To Work.

Were you about to start your car? Haven’t you ever seen The Godfather? Rigging a car to explode is one of the most basic April Fools’ pranks imaginable! Instead of trying your own car, steal your neighbor’s car. You heard. He can have it back tomorrow.



Step 4: The Working Day

Your co-workers repeatedly trying to destroy you is probably an everyday occurrence, but today they’ll really be stepping up their game. Treat every request or casual remark like the dirty, dirty lie it most surely is. No matter what they say, don’t give them the satisfaction of a response. Just set your jaw and stare at them, unblinking, until they go away. Your boss wants to see you about a promotion? Yeah, right - maybe a promotion in public humiliation. Stare at your boss. Stare at him silently until he walks away, taking his “promotion” with him. Then keep on staring for good measure.


Step 5: Coming Home For Dinner

We’re assuming you live with a roommate or something, otherwise who swapped your toothpaste for ass cream? You did it yourself? Like some kind of hemorrhoid-related Fight Club scenario? Well, either way it’s probably not safe to go home. Instead, invite yourself to dinner with a relative stranger. It may seem a little awkward, but the chances of them propping a box full of tarantulas over their front door in the hopes you might suddenly walk through it are slim. Even so, make sure they go through every door first.


Step 6: Preparing For Bed

Now would normally be the time you relax at home until it’s bedtime. Not today! Today you stand outside your house and wait for midnight. It’s forbidden to continue April Fools’ pranking after the stroke of midnight, and if anybody tries to do so, you’re legally allowed to retaliate with lethal force (probably; you might want to look that up.) It may be raining. It may be cold. You may be asked to move along by concerned police officers. All that matters is that you remain safe from the myriad of pranking that surely awaits you in your so-called home. Once the clock does strike midnight, wait another hour just in case somebody is playing a recording to lure you in. To be on the safe side, just stand outside until sunrise.


Step 7: You Made It!

April Fools’ day has failed miserably in trying to make you look stupid. You’ve outsmarted everybody, and as a reward you can stop grinding your teeth and go to bed, and sleep like a champion.


...Or will you?


Because, you see, we actually tampered with your calendar and it’s not even April Fools’ Day until next Monday. Why would we do this to you? Because you need to learn that the world doesn’t stop trying to destroy you just because it’s Monday. The world wants to see you crushed and humiliated every single day of the year. And you must never stop suspecting. Ever.


Step 8: Also, We Put A Tarantula In Your Toilet.

Sorry about that.



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