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The Pessimist’s Guide to 2014

If you thought 2013 was the worst, just wait until 2014 gets going. Happy New Year!

Photo: DNY59/ | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2013


Winter-Proof Super Cockroaches

Coming soon to a city near you! If you're on the east coast, at least. These fuckers were recently identified at Manhattan’s High Line Park, and, long story short, they are probably going to swallow New York whole before Easter rolls around. Presumed to have arrived here in soil imported from China, they are immune to the cold weather that typically keeps the city’s already plentiful roach population at bay, meaning that they are strong little suckers who laugh in the face of your Raid. It's hard to imagine how they could be worse than the abundance of roaches we already have, but we expect to find out really soon. Most likely in the shower.


It’s probably just a matter of time before you get drunk enough to think injecting yourself with the drug Krokodil – AKA the more powerful, flesh-eating alternative to heroin – is a totally reasonable thing to do. By all means, go ahead and try that shit, but don’t be surprised when you wake up in mid-March to find that your dick is no longer technically attached to your body. On account of the flesh-rot. Why not just get it out of the way and move to Florida now?


Sochi Olympics

Live from the Soviet Union (yeah, we still call it that – what of it?), it’s the longest two weeks of your life! Say goodbye to regularly scheduled programming, because starting February 7, the airwaves will be dominated by people you’ve never heard of playing sports you don’t give a fuck about, 24/7. And don’t bother getting excited for the one competition that doesn’t suck, a.k.a, ski jumping – it’ll be 5am when that airs in your timezone. By the time you’re tuning in, expect a 12-hour block of men’s figure skating, followed by Jay Leno, and an encore of the skating. Enjoy.

Google Glass

If you thought regular old smartphones in public were annoying, boy are you gonna hate life once Google Glass is released later this year. If streaming cat videos and googling "boobs" all day is really that important to you, why don't you just come work at Maxim, where putting together a magazine is really just something we do in between those activities, when we're sober enough? In short, we would rather get high on glass or cut ourselves with glass shards or hurl ourselves out of a glass window than walk around wearing Google Glass.

Kaiju Attacks are Imminent

If you accept the basic premise of Guillermo del Toro’s Pacific Rim (and you’d be stupid not to), then you already know that a bunch of serious motherfucking Kaiju attacks are in the pipeline for 2014. If you didn’t see the movie, here’s a clip that will help you to understand what that means:

So…that’s something to look forward to. If you’re not reading this from inside a reinforced underground bunker, then you are basically already dead. Oh, and better yet, humanity's only hope is this guy. Good luck with that.


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