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The Terrifying Fish With Human Teeth Might Not Want To Eat Your Balls After All

Somehow, we’re still not exactly reassured.

If you’ve been following the news lately, you’ve probably decided that no, it is most definitely not safe to go back in the water right now. Following alerts that the South American Pacu – a larger relative of the piranha, with eerily human-looking teeth – had been spotted in several places outside of its native Amazon (including the river Seine in France, and off the southern coast of Sweden), there was a certain amount of panic. Well, from men, anyway, because this fish, we were told, has a pretty nasty habit of eating people’s testicles. We’ll just let you process that sentence while looking at this picture and sobbing uncontrollably for a while.

 


Courtesy of Projectavelon.net

 

And now, you can pull yourself together, because it turns out that the whole thing was just a misunderstanding. It turns out, Professor Peter Rask Moller, of the Copenhagen Museum of Natural History, was joking when he told reporters that men should keep their trunks well tied in areas the fish has been spotted. “It is very unlikely that you would actually meet one here and that it would bite you,” he told CNN. “It's up to people themselves how careful they want to be. I'll keep my shorts on, though."

 

Misunderstanding or not, we hope conservationists will forgive us if we make our position clear: Namely, that if we ever see a huge fish with a human mouth swimming in our direction, we will bludgeon it to death with a bottle of tartar sauce, more or less just on general principle. The same goes for any animal that has unnecessarily freaky teeth, including the Titan Triggerfish, the Goosander duck, and most especially, the abomination that is the Promachoteuthis Sulcus squid. Ok, we’re off to buy chainmail trunks. Enjoy your nightmares tonight!

 

 

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