New Yorkers think Californians are insane. Californians think Texans are insane. And Texans think everybody is insane. Well, it’s time to kiss and make up, because outside the good old U.S. of A., you can’t walk five feet without stepping in a hot pile of insanity.
AUSTRALIA/NEW ZEALAND
In brief: An arid wasteland full of bitey, poisonous monsters, surrounded by blue sparkling oceans (also full of bitey, poisonous monsters).
Insanity of note: The people. Aussies just don’t give a fuck, as shown by the 27-year-old Sydney yahoo who, in 2008, drunkenly jumped into water with a 20-foot-long crocodile and had to be rescued by cops firing wildly at the beast. Or Brenton Erhardt, the Adelaide man who, not content with having a car full of cannabis and a loaded rifle, was filming himself jerking off while speeding when stopped by police. Or New Zealander Arthur Cradock, who told police he’d been raped by a wombat, just for the attention.
In five words: “Oh, yeah? Watch this, mate!”
BRITAIN
In brief: A rainy island that mixes the best of America and Europe and the worst of vomit.
Insanity of note: The drinking. Despite its rep for polite tea gulpers, Britain is actually populated almost exclusively with shouting, fighting, sexually aggressive drunks—and that’s just the children. Its most beloved sportsmen—Paul Gascoigne, George Best—were drunks; its most famous prime minister, Winston Churchill, was a drunk; and in April of this year, 20-year-old Brit Laura Hall became the first person ever to be banned, by court order, from every bar and club in the country. The average Brit could drink you under the table, then drink the table.
In five words: “Get me a fucking pint.”
RUSSIA
In brief: A huge, barren stretch of snow, wolves, snow, lethal vodka, snow, nuclear weapons, snow, very large beards, and snow.
Insanity of note: The weather. Russia has fended off attacks from both Napoleon’s and Hitler’s armies, just because it’s so bastard cold. In the village of Oymyakon, for example, visitors are warned not to wear glasses outside, as they will freeze right to your face. Russia’s vast northern Siberia region is the coldest inhabited place in the world, with temperatures that regularly dip to nearly -90°F. Urban legend says that it is cold enough to make your pee freeze midstream, which probably isn’t nearly as fun as it sounds.
In five words: Don’t eat the yellow Popsicles.
SCANDINAVIA
In brief: A region with a long history of looting, pillaging, and worshiping hammer-wielding thunder gods. In other words, awesome.
Insanity of note: The sky. In Denmark, Sweden, Finland, Iceland, and Norway, relying on the sun to rise and set at regular intervals is like relying on Tom Cruise to get through an interview without cackling maniacally. As soon as you get used to polar nights (which last 24 hours) or midnight sun (exactly what it sounds like), the sky will erupt with aurora borealis, which is when solar winds interact with the Earth’s atmosphere to create a light show that makes you wonder if your plate of the local delicacy, rotten shark meat, was dosed.
In five words: “Pass the rotten shark meat.”
BOLIVIA
In brief: A mix of jungles, mountains, colorful clothes, and, presumably, the sepia-toned, bullet-riddled bodies of Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid.
Insanity of note: The drivers. Bolivia is home to the most dangerous road in the world: the Yungas Road, more commonly known as Death Road. Despite sounding like a totally sweet theme-park ride (or just an elaborate method of snorting cocaine), it’s actually a thin, treacherous road cut into the side of a mountain that has 1,500-foot drop-offs and no guard rails. It kills 200 to 300 people every year, but that doesn’t stop the locals from barreling along it like there’s no tomorrow. Which, for many of them, there isn’t.
In five words: “Brake, brake, brake, brake, brake!”
GUINEA-BISSAU
In brief: A small, very poor African country, distinguished from other small, very poor African countries only by the large, very rich quality of its cocaine.
Insanity of note: The drugs. We’re not kidding about that: Described as “cocaine country” and “the world’s first narco state,” Guinea-Bissau is the smuggling capital of the world. With up to 300,000 kilos (that’s more than 330 tons) of coke passing through West Africa each year (almost all of that through Guinea-Bissau), the country’s entire economy runs on allowing other people to party like its 1989. As you’d expect, this makes it a less-than-ideal vacation spot (unless you’re Charlie Sheen).
In five words: The Walmart of illegal substances.
CAMBODIA
In brief: A country of dense jungles (mostly chopped down now), ancient temples (mostly overrun with backpackers now), and rice fields (mostly laced with land mines now).
Insanity of note: The food. (As in stuff people willingly put in their mouths.) Whereas other countries regard their national cuisine as a delicacy, Cambodia sees theirs as a challenge. If ant eggs that burst delightfully on the tongue don’t tickle your fancy (or your throat), how about some pig brains or a juicy fried tarantula on a stick? No? Then try their specialty, pong tea khon—a fertilized duck egg where you eat the nearly developed duck fetus along with the yolk. It’s duckin’ delish!
In five words: Close your eyes; don’t chew.
GREENLAND
In brief: A huge, craggy expanse located in North America but owned by Denmark, Greenland is the world’s largest island that is not a continent. If only it would just apply itself.
Insanity of note: The weird-ass fish. Thanks largely to global warming, scientists are having a field day in the now-unfrozen waters around Greenland, and most of the stuff they’re finding—either new species or species that just shouldn’t be there—resembles something Jeffrey Dahmer would have drawn in a childhood art class. The Portuguese dogfish is especially terrifying, looking exactly like Joan Rivers crossed with a couch, then flushed down the toilet.
In five words: “Jesus, throw it back in!”