10 people, trends, and cultural phenomena that confirm, beyond any doubt, that the New Year can’t possibly come soon enough.
If you’re looking for validation as a web developer that your job actually matters, then the steaming pile of shit that was Healthcare.gov at launch offered proof that running a functional website isn’t as easy as people think. But if you’re looking for a way to get medical coverage before that wound festers and you lose your leg, well, better luck next time.
The Knockout Game
Delinquents go out and sucker-punch mainly elderly people for kicks, presumably after eating paint chips and huffing glue. What. The. Fuck.
Only God Forgives
An epic exercise in "it probably seemed like a good idea at the time" that turned out to be a shockingly dull, bewilderingly pointless yawn of a movie. Only worth remembering as the point when we collectively realized that, actually, there was actually such a thing as too much of Ryan Gosling looking sad and brooding.
The Government Shutdown
We went to hit golf balls in October, and Goddamn if the driving range wasn't closed because it was on government land. That sucked. Of course, a million or so federal workers didn't know when they'd get their next paycheck. That must have really sucked.
There is really just, like, one word you cannot use when you’re a rich, Southern, white lady with your own cooking show on the Food Network. ONE WORD.
The Super Bowl Blackout
"Oh my God! It's a total blackout! You can't even see the field!" cried the TV reporters. Bullshit. If you were there, then you'll remember that the only thing that actually went off during the Super Bowl blackout was the air conditioning, and some of the advertising screens (the latter presumably being the real reason the game was delayed - you could see the field just fine, even from the nosebleeds). Want to take a guess as to what 71,000 football fans smell like when the A/C goes off in the Superdome? You just keep guessing. You're not even close.
Low Winter Sun
AMC tried to bless us with a show to lessen the emotional blow of being without Breaking Bad. Unfortunately, the resulting mess was about as haphazard as Tuco’s business practices. We miss Breaking Bad.
We were evenly split on whether this scandal was the best or worst story of 2013, but since we’re too dark, depressed, and drunk to bother with a Best Of list, we’re just putting it here. Toronto’s obese shit-show of a mayor gave us so many gifts this year, starting, of course, with the admission that he smoked crack “in one of his drunken stupors.” And it really only got better from there. There was the comment about how he “has more than enough pussy to eat at home,” the time he knocked over a woman at a City Council meeting, the time he cursed in front of young school children… this guy has balls of steel, and if we were Canadian, we’d
kill ourselves vote to re-elect him.
These days, it feels like we’re constantly finding out that every unbelievable thing we saw on the Internet was, in fact, just a bunch of staged bullshit. How are we supposed to live our lives if we have to second-guess the authenticity of every wildly absurd Facebook post and YouTube video? Where does it end? Can’t Manti T’eo’s girlfriend just be real? And can’t “Worst Twerk Fail EVER” just be a video of a girl who sucks at twerking, instead of Jimmy Kimmel fucking with us? Just stop it, Internet.
When your surname also happens to be a euphemism for men’s genitalia, you’re going to want to be really careful with respect to how you operate your own genitalia, as you will always be a dick joke waiting to happen. So, what does New York’s disgraced former congressman do? Send a bunch of dick pics to women using the handle @CarlosDanger, and then indignantly refuse to end his campaign for mayor. What an asshole – er, dick.
Also on Maxim.com: