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The Year's Worst Sex Scenes in Literature

Read 'em and weep. No really, they're so gross, they might make you cry.


Photo: Eva Katalin / iStockPhoto | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012

On December 4, Literary Review dishes out its annual award for the most cringe-worthy sexual passages in fiction. The purpose of the prize, according to the magazine, is "to draw attention to the crude, badly written, often perfunctory use of redundant passages of sexual description in the modern novel, and to discourage it." As you can imagine, the body-part metaphors are as plentiful as the nipples on a man with polymastia. (Big ups to Tom Wolfe for analogizing a vagina to a horse saddle.) So without further ado, the nominees are…

"Down, down, on to the eschatological bed. Pages chafed me; my blood wept onto them. My cheek nestled against the scratch of paper. My cock was barely a ghost, but I did not suffer panic." — The Quiddity of Will Self by Sam Mills

"We got up from the chair and she led me to her elfin grot, getting amonst the pillows and cool sheets. We trawled each other's bodies for every inch of history." — Noughties by Ben Masters

"Now his big generative jockey was inside her pelvic saddle, riding, riding, riding, and she was eagerly swallowing it swallowing it swallowing it with the saddle's own lips and maw — all this without a word." — Back to Blood by Tom Wolfe

"He began thrusting wildly in the general direction of her chrysanthemum, but missing — his paunchy frame shuddering with the efford of remaining rigid and upside down." Rare Earth by Paul Mason

"She smells of almonds, like a plump Bakewell pudding; and he is the spoon, the whipped cream, the helpless dollop of warm custard." — The Yips by Nicola Barker

"This is when I take my picture, from deep inside the loving. The Canon is part of my body. I myself am the ultra-sensitive film — capturing invisible reality, capturing heat." — Infrared by Nancy Huston

"And he came. Like a wubbering springboard. His ejaculate jumped the length of her arm. Eight diminishing gouts. The first too high for her to lick. Right on the shoulder." — The Divine Comedy by Craig Raine

"In seconds the duke had lowered his trousers and boxers and positioned himself across a leather steamer trunk, emblazoned with the royal arms of Hohenzollern Castle. 'Give me no quarter,' he commanded. 'Lay it on with all your might.'" — The Adventuress: The Irresistible Rise of Miss Cath Fox by Nicholas Coleridge

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