We look back at the soiled historical events of January 7th.
(Photo Courtesy of NBC)
While it feels like Al Roker’s presidential poop has been an indelible part of our lives forever, it was but a year ago today when the world awoke from their cozy, winter naps to learn that America’s preeminent jovial weatherman had shit his pants in the President’s house. Supposedly the result of his gastric bypass surgery (but more likely an ill-timed burrito), Roker admitted that on one recent occasion, he had let loose on his way into the White House, where he made a beeline for the press bathroom, ditched the dirty undies, and went about his day like any regular, non-pants-shitting member of the press corps.
But that's not the only thing to happen on this day in history. In the year 1800, January 7 marked the birth of Millard Fillmore, widely regarded as one of America’s shittiest presidents. Can you believe it’s been 214 years? It feels like just yesterday to us. And, even today, we remember President Fillmore just like the generations before us did: Disapprovingly, if at all. Happy birthday, shithead!
Returning to the 21st century, today also marks the second anniversary of the birth of Blue Ivy, the world’s most powerful baby. Blue was crashing tabloid website servers before she could even gurgle, and in her 24 months on Earth, has made a cultural mark way bigger than, say, Millard Fillmore. This cultural milestone, of course, falls under the banner of “shitty history” not because babies spend all day pooping, but because they are born by being pooped out of their mother’s stomachs, like everyone knows. (Fair warning: We failed anatomy class spectacularly.)
Check out The Pessimist's Guide To 2014 and R.I.P. James Avery: We'll Miss You, Uncle Phil.