As experts and lovers of all things monkey, that we didn’t know about this earlier is just criminal. That said, YouTube user angrymandotca (AKA Adam Scott) recorded a video diary of his experience eating monkey chow (and only monkey chow) for seven days. DIVE INTO THE MADNESS WITH US.
Adam finds that monkey chow has similar taste and flavor to dog food. He knows this because he has eaten a lot of dog food in his time (we’re guessing).
After running down the list of ingredients, Adam isn’t too surprised by what makes up his new diet. Though he could only get “16 or 17 kibbles” in him, he still feels okay (if a little nauseous). Deadpan, he delivers the amazing clarification that he will still be drinking water to “stay alive,” coffee to “stay awake,” and vodka “to go to sleep.” Oh, and his poop “appears normal.” Aren’t we having fun!?
Adam complains of food cravings. He really would like a cheeseburger or “hot” turkey sandwich. (We don’t know what kind of monster eats turkey sandwiches hot. Probably one who eats monkey food.) Adam estimates that monkey chow costs him about a $1 a day in food costs and switching over for life might save him $600 a month in total expenses (pots, pans, utilities, etc.)
Slowly growing mad, Adam has murderous feelings towards: the mailman who delivers fast food menus, the restaurants he can smell near his house, and his neighbors for banging pans. He’s also starting to lose weight. Adam’s begun adding water to the chow, leading it to taste like “soggy poop in a bowl.” He adds, “This is my life now.”
After 108 hours of solely subsisting on monkey chow, Adam concludes that he has not gained monkey strength from his new diet. After having his first serious stomach problem, Adam decides to add “wet” monkey food to his diet. Good news - in just five days he’s about five lbs. lighter, so hello, new weight loss miracle!
For some reason, Adam decides to soak monkey kibble in a shot glass of vodka overnight. The results are typically horrifying (though somehow he doesn’t barf). Whether this is a sign that Adam has finally crossed into true insanity, you’d have to ask an MD (we’re doctors of the social sciences).
Giving his viewers what they want, Adam finally reveals why he decided to do this: “Mostly because I thought it would be funny,” which is really the greatest reason to do anything. Overall, he concludes that monkey food “is not a viable alternative food source.” Thanks, science!
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