And that's not even the worst part about this story.
Spike TV's Tattoo Nightmares is about a tattoo parlor that specializes in covering up bad tats—like, say, that foul tribal monstrosity on your bicep. (Seriously dude, that thing is painful to look at. I can't believe you paid someone to deface your body like that.) But I digress.
Meet Johnny. In the latest episode of Tattoo Nightmares, Johnny comes into the shop looking for a miracle—which is exactly what he'll need, because his ink is pretty much the worst thing we can imagine: a floral tramp stamp. But there's more. Wait for it...he was in the middle of hooking up with a girl in Las Vegas when he stopped, mid-thrust, and proceeded to go get this beastly thing permanently emblazoned on his skin.
Guys, how many times do we have to tell you: sex should only be interrupted for one thing: weirder, kinkier sex.
So, how in god's name could this happen? Johnny explains: “As I’m enjoying life very much,"—i.e., getting laid—"I looked down and I noticed the most beautiful piece of artwork I’ve ever seen. So we get up, mid-sex. Don’t even finish."
Johnny and his lady friend then went straight to a tattoo shop so he could have her tattoo—which, just in case you forgot, was a floral tramp stamp—reproduced on his own body. The duo married the same night, and eventually had a child together. This is all totally normal in Las Vegas.
Ultimately, the expert ink-fixers design a creepy, much larger tattoo to cover Johnny's tramp stamp. Christ. Haven't these people ever heard of laser tattoo removal? Or suicide?
Check out the clip below. The fun starts at around 01:30; then scroll to 6:50 for a teaser of what is guaranteed to be the best TV reenactment scene of all time.