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Three Terrifying Real-Life Dentist Horror Stories (And One Ass-Kisser)

You'll never want to go for a 6-month cleaning again.


Photo by Eric Delmar/ Getty

We’ve always seen the dentist as being a socially acceptable torturer, what with their chainsaw-like tools and incessant judgments about our flossing failures. And now, thanks to a story out of Florida (a state mostly known for its old people, its terrifying wildlife and its continual screw-ups of presidential elections), our worst fears have been confirmed.

Florida native John Collazos, 47, who was already under investigation for practicing without a license, has now been accused of a far more bizarre offense: The good doctor reportedly injected and then kissed the ass of a patient after she came in complaining about a toothache. Literally. Here's how it went down: After attempting to administer a pain-relieving paste to the affected tooth, Collazos proceeded to inject said paste into her rear end, before wrapping up the "procedure" with a sloppy kiss at the injection site, which, to reiterate, WAS ALSO ON HER ASS.

Even if you don't have extensive experience playing doctor (we do. Zing!), it would seemingly go without saying that if you're some quack pretending to be a dentist, it's probably a good idea to not do this. But John Collazos' ass-to-lips offense is not the worst example of oral misconduct. Below are examples of three more scammers, whose stories collectively ensure that we will continue to ignore this cavity forever.

1. A mother-daughter duo from Oklahoma City illegally executed dental procedures on nearly 100 patients after-hours. 47-year-old Elizabeth Hinojosa and her 28-year-old daughter Monica performed root canals, tooth extractions, and braces adjustments, and reportedly caused massive infections on patients to the point of disfigurement. While this sounds horrifying, at least they were using legitimate tools, unlike...

2. Humberto Perez, an 81-year-old man from Miami, was charged with child abuse after he decided to play dentist with a neighboring girl, causing significant damage and disfigurement to her face and mouth. The 14-year-old patient was brought to Perez's house by her mother because of a chipped tooth. Without latex gloves, Perez—who was practicing out of his home and claimed to have performed dentistry in Cuba—stuck his hands in the girls’ mouth and injected an unknown substance into her gums. He then began to file down her four front teeth until he reached her gums, all while she screamed in pain (if you managed to read that without your toes curling up, please seek psychiatric help immediately). The procedure lasted two hours and resulted in black, swollen gums. How many times do we have to say it: Do not trust an 80-year-old man with anything, let alone teeth!

3. Manuel Carranza, a 46-year-old Long Islander, ran a fully-stocked, faux-dentist office out of his home. Carranza—who reportedly had only a 6th grade level of education—bought his second-hand dental tools on the internet and never sterilized any of them, even after using them on patients. He also supposedly used melted-down gold jewelry for fillings, which is actually pretty smart - we wouldn't have thought of that until at least the 8th grade.

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