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Today In Terrifying Animal News: Banana Spiders and Platypus-Zilla

So much for "fuzzy and adorable".

Childhood nightmares rang true earlier this week for a family in London when they discovered dozens of venomous, baby spiders oozing from their bananas. Upon opening the fruit bag, 29-year old Consi Taylor assumed the tiny dark spots covering the peels were nothing more than mold, until she looked closer; suddenly, the spots were moving, and even more were hatching, and then spiders were crawling out of the bag and onto her kitchen counter. Like any normal human being, the family got the fuck out of there and didn’t come back until every inch of their home was fumigated. Later, they found out that the creatures were Brazilian Wandering Spiders, deemed the most deadly species by both Guinness World Records and yours truly. Not only do they they grow up to be the same size as your face (roughly), they're also known for giving men the most excruciatingly painful erection of their life (due to a side effect of their venom, not their general, eight-legged sexiness). This priapism can often lead to impotence, so we're guessing the bananas were symbolic.

In other unsettling animal news, scientists in Australia have discovered the fossilized remains of what's being called Platypus-Zilla, a three-foot long version of the modern day duck-billed platypus, which would have come complete with extra-long venomous spikes on its back legs, and be more than capable of eating an adult human. Australia having the reputation for deadliness that it does, we suspect this beast may still be out there somewhere, waiting for the perfect time to strike. Note to self: never, ever, go to Australia. Or buy bananas in London.

Check out The 6 Worst National Animals and The Six Filthiest Beasts In The Animal Kingdom