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Tom Arnold, Mark Hamill, and More Teach You How To Fight!

These super-heavyweight celebs dish out advice to brawlers everywhere.


(Photo by Jim Kemper/ Getty)


What's the one thing to remember in a fist fight?

David Copperfield
“The name of my security guard. Kidding - I'm lucky to have no advice to offer on this one. ”

David Koechner
Tuck your chin and aim for the other guy’s neck.”

David Wain
“A fist fight for me is a two-step process. Which is 1) turn 180 degrees, and 2) run. That’s how I approach a fist fight.”

The Iron Sheik
“Punch the motherfucker in the nose, he can’t see shit after. Then you suplex him on his fucking head so he can’t see and don’t know what the fuck hit him.”

Ron Perlman
“The first time I ever got hit upside the head, it didn’t hurt nearly as bad as I thought it would. In other words, I can take a punch. And that’s very liberating, by the way, when you find that out about yourself.”

Miesha Tate
“Knock that bitch out! Just kidding. Keep your chin down and throw as hard as you can."

Jon Benjamin
“Always punch first, which is a very hard thing to do, but get in the first punch. It’s crucial, but not a lot of people have that tendency and they wait too long. I learned that from kids who would get in a lot of fights, and one thing that would be the common factor in their success is that they don’t wait - there’s no talking. But it takes a bit of a crazy personality to do that, because there is no remorse and a little less fear.”

Tom Arnold
“The thing to remember is to get the first punch in, because in most fist fights, it’s a one or two punch deal because you’re in a bar. You always hit them as hard as you can in the nose, which stuns them. It’s just shocking to get punched in the nose for anybody. And that’s what’s wrong with Justin Bieber, he never got punched in the nose. Like, we all got punched in the nose. In school, someone punched us in the nose, we know what that’s like. He missed that, so he’s going and acting like an asshole right now and doing all these things, but what he really wants is for someone to hit him in the fucking nose. Every boy needs to know what it feels like. So, yeah. I feel sorry that nobody did that to him.”

Paul F. Tompkins
“'This was your fault.’ It is so easy to avoid getting in a fist fight. If you’re at a point where you’re squaring up against someone in public, then it’s on you. There are so many ways to not get in a fist fight.

Arianny Celeste
“Keep your fists up! Because girls like to go for the hair but you have to get them with the punches.”

Mark Hamill
“Hit the deck and scream like a woman! Whimper like a little girl. I’m not a brawler - I got mugged once on a subway at 2:30 a.m. They took my hat and took my wallet and I went to the ground, because I thought, I don’t want to confront these people in case they have weapons. It really sounds cowardly and craven, but self-preservation kicks in. I’ve never been angry enough at anybody to want to have a fist fight with anyone.”

Diamond Dallas Page
“Duck.”


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