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Unsolicited Career Advice for the Presidential Candidates

Tonight’s Vice Presidential face-off between Joe Biden and Paul Ryan in Kentucky could be a make-or-break moment in this highly contentious election—especially after Obama’s poor performance in last week’s debate. After four years of begging, “Put me in coach!” Joe Biden finally has a chance to do Obama a real solid and help get the campaign back on track. But just in case that doesn’t work out, we’ve come up with a few ideas for other careers that Obama and Biden might consider pursuing if they’re defeated in November. And to be fair, we’ve given the same treatment to Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan—after all, it ain’t over ‘til it’s over.

Photos: Ron Sachs / Retna Ltd. | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012

President Obama: Ettiquette Coach
In an interview yesterday, the president addressed his dismal performance in last week’s debate against Mitt Romney, offering this explanation: “I think it’s fair to say I was just too polite.” Um, okay, yes, Mr. President, you were very polite—so polite, in fact, that half of America wondered if you were having a stroke right there on the podium. The president has since vowed to bring his A-game to the remainder of the campaign, but if he should nevertheless lose his bid for reelection, perhaps he could put that politeness to good use as a professional etiquette coach. He can teach America’s youth important virtues like never interrupt when someone else is speaking, be gracious to everyone (especially the guy trying to steal your job), and how to identify the salad fork—although first Michelle Obama will have to teach America’s youth how to identify a salad.

Joe Biden: Improv Comedian
In the last four years, the Vice President has famously racked up an alarming number of public gaffes. (We’re still partial to the time he dropped an F-bomb in the ear of the president that was inadvertently picked up by microphones.) It seems that every time he opens his mouth, another nugget of comedic gold just flies right off his tongue. Nevermind that he’s not intentionally trying to be funny; if YouTube has taught us anything it’s that some of the best comedy happens by accident. So if Kentucky turns out to be unlucky for Biden tonight, he can always take his hilarious act on the road. There’s not a black-box theater in all of America that wouldn’t love to have him. Plus the Veep would finally get to experience the joys of having an audience laugh with you.

Paul Ryan: Personal Trainer
Did you know that Rep. Ryan once ran a marathon in 20 minutes flat (give or take a few hours)? Okay, that’s an exaggeration, but his high-intensity fitness routine has been a favorite topic in the media since his candidacy was announced. Even Fox News incorporates athletic metaphors into headlines about Ryan, who single-handedly popularized the rigorous P90X workout plan. Oh, and let’s not forget about these priceless photos. If this whole politics thing doesn’t work out, Ryan could easily transition from congress to a rewarding career as a personal trainer at a gym, where he’d spend most of his time doing repetitive exercises on the floor—just like the House of Representatives.

Mitt Romney: Retired Governor
In case you hadn’t heard, this guy is loaded. He has so much money, in fact, that there simply was no room for all of it in America, apparently he had no choice but to move some of it into a Swiss bank account. Anyway, Mitt, if you lose in November, here’s our suggestion: Take some time off, dude. Enjoy some of that financial freedom you worked so hard to achieve. Take your gilded golf clubs for a spin; toss back a few virgin Mai Tais on a tropical island with your wife; or just stay home, and thank your lucky stars that you’re not one of the 99%. Trust us: Being poor sucks.  

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