Things are going pretty well, you say? You’ve got a good job, a nice place to live, and a sweet girl to hold hands with at the movies? Well, take that self-satisfied smirk and shove it, chief, because it can all be so much better! It’s time to stop treading mediocre waters. You should be pulling serious bank at your dream job, hanging your hat in an amazing pad, and sucking face with a smokin'-hot woman every night of your life. That’s right, today is the day to trade up and step up every aspect of your existence. So put on your big-boy pants, wave goodbye to your lame little world, and get ready to rock.
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Money
Add a few zeroes to your bank account.
1. Bust out of your cubicle
MySpace cofounder and friend-to-us-all Tom Anderson explains how to go from corporate drone to millionaire maverick.
Ignore your paycheck for now: “I’m not the sort of person who can last very long doing something I don’t want to do,” says Tom. “So instead of thinking, I need a job, I need to make money, I thought, What do I really enjoy doing?” “Do what you love” might sound like stale advice from your hippy-dippy uncle, but consider that Tom and co. made a killing when News Corp. bought MySpace for $580 million back in 2005. With scratch like that, no wonder the guy has 223,604,106 friends and counting.
Ignore your job description: “When I had an office job, I stood out because I was so green,” says Tom. “I didn’t know what was appropriate, so I would do things that probably weren’t acceptable behavior. It definitely got me noticed.” Just don’t go nuts. Ask your HR director if it’s acceptable to defecate on someone else’s proposal before you do it in a meeting.
Don’t ignore your enemies: “It’s good to look at your competitors and see what they do well and what they don’t do well,” advises Tom. But just because you vanquish one foe doesn’t mean you can put your feet up and order a daiquiri. “For a long time people were saying, ‘You’re so dominant; nothing is going to touch you,’ but these days we have different competitors all over the world. Never underestimate your competition. ” Now, if you’ll excuse us, we have to go update our Facebook profile.
2. Be a term-inator
Biz-speak to make you seem savvy
Meatball sundae — The mixing together of two excellent business ideas with predictably disastrous results.
Blamestorming — Business meetings that devolve into finding fault for why projects have gone wrong, rather than looking for successful results. This is also known as a postmortem.
Petting the eagle — Using American-based imagery to get consumers to purchase your product.
Skintern — Female intern who quickly decides to don provocative clothing to alter the competitive balance of the intern pool. Also known as the next Mrs. fill-in-your-boss’ name.
3. Nab an odd job
Four ways to kick flourescent-lit office life to the curb
The job: Millionaire concierge
The specs: Rich dudes pay through their coke-lined noses to have golf outings, all-star weekends, or, weirdly, trips with their families set up for them. Begin life as a cyber peon at concierge-in-a-box.com.
Payday: Up to $100 an hour
The Job: Sleep consultant
The Specs: Corporations hire experts to teach freaked out/suicidal execs how to take a snooze without the aid of Ambien or a happy ending. Take a course in polysomnography to become an accredited snore.
Payday: $1,200 a day
The Job: Domain namer
The Specs:These days good Web domain names are rarer than a Celine Dion track that doesn’t reduce us to tears. Thus, companies like PickyDomains charge poorly named sites for better, less-shitty URLs.
Payday: $50 per name
The Job: Professional guinea pig
The Specs: Like taking drugs? Pharmaceutical companies are always looking for people to try their next pill. Check gpgp.net (“guinea pigs get paid”) to find lucrative ways in which to grow a third eyeball.
Payday: Up to $300 a day, depending on the drug trial
4. Buy a fancy toy
A gold slinky screams, "I'm wealthy!" The vendors of this 14K-gold-plated Slinky ($90, officeplayground.com) invite captains of industry to “move the Slinky back and forth between your hands while you contemplate a big business decision, talk to a coworker, or sit in a meeting.” Doing any of these things will either have people believing you are deranged or stupid, and no one will want you on their team. Way to go! Take a long lunch, pal!
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Money | Travel | Style | Women | Home | Fitness
Money | Travel | Style | Women | Home | Fitness
Travel
Go forth and go nuts
1. Have recession-proof fun
Tim Leffel, author of The World’s Cheapest Destinations, tells you how to go posh when your salary is piss.
Czech Republic
You don’t get the same bang for your buck in Prague as you used to, but you can still get pretty buzzed for it. Beer is a buck, and a snazzy lunch runs about $5. You can also kick it in wine country and stay at one of the hotels of Moravia. Just don’t follow any hot Czech chicks to a remote hostel. Trust us.
Argentina
Journey to Buenos Aires, where the wine flows like, well, wine and a great steak dinner will set you back a whopping $15. Rest cheap and easy, as hotels cost only about $25 to $35 a day. You can ski in the Andes for half of what you’d spend in the Rockies—an all-day lift is $25 to $30. And if you get trapped in the Andes, you can eat your fellow soccer team players for free!
Honduras
The island of Utila is a budget scuba diver’s paradise, and one of the cheapest places in the world to get an open water PADI certification: $225, compared to $500 in the U.S. Throw in high-end hotel rooms for under $40, full meals that seldom top $20, and $1 beers in bars, and you’re living like a deep-sea gangster for well under $200 a day. Plus, wet suits are very slimming.
Vietnam/Laos/Cambodia
Welcome to Southeast Asia’s Golden Triangle of cheap thrills! In Vietnam the beach at Nha Trang is where you want to be. Have a $2 lobster cooked beside you and a coconut-oil massage for $10. Got higher aspirations? In Cambodia and Laos, $20 will buy you enough ganja to forget all the breathtaking sites you’ve seen thus far.
2. Supersize your trip
Upgrade tricks for sneaky travelers
Car Rental
Reserve a smoking-permitted car. When you arrive, say they screwed up. If they don’t have any nonsmoking rides in your class, you win. “If they’ve made a mistake, they’re obliged to give you one from a better class or get you a car from another company,” says Erik Torkells, editor-in-chief of Budget Travel. “If they try to make you pay any extra fee, talk to a manager.”
Hotel
Most hotel guests check in before 2 p.m., while business travelers tend to arrive from 5 p.m. onward. If you check in between 3 p.m. and 5 p.m., reception will have a good idea about how many exec rooms will be open to negotiation. “It’s all about being there at the right time,” says Tiffany Hawk, contributing editor for the travel Web site globorati.com. Arrive late!
Airline Seats
American Airlines 767-300: Row 21 A, B, H, or J is your promised land of exit row leg room.
Delta Airlines MD-88: Rows 26–31 on the D-E side of the plane have about two extra inches. Twenty-six is an exit row and most desirable.
Jet Blue A320: Warning! Seats 9A, 9F, 10A, and 10F do not recline because of the emergency exit behind them. Enjoy your blue chips!
3. Find the perfect watering hole
No trip is complete without alcohol-induced public nudity. Here are the top spots to fuel your excess quest.
Genre: Island
Bar: Jimbo's Place
Location: Virginia Key, Biscayne Bay, Miami
Why drink here: This shack stands (barely) beside a lagoon surrounded by palm trees. Hop into a game of bocce with the assorted hippies, hipsters, and bikers who call this their local. Then wash vigorously.
Genre: Ski trip
Bar: Skibar Vail
Location: Vail, Colorado
Why drink here: Soak your liver silly on such elegant beverages as the Blackout and the Rocky Mountain Bear Fucker in Skibar’s four rooms of documented debauchery. (Snow pants optional.)
Genre: Beach
Bar: The Beach Ball
Location: Newport Beach, California
Why drink here: Yeah, it’s got a spectacular view of the Pacific, but the real selling point of this joint is that it opens at 6 a.m. It also features live music and pool tables to pass out on after your tequila breakfast.
4. Fly hard
Hop on a private jet without needing a ski mask or revolver
Newsflash: Chartering a jet is insanely expensive! But it can cost less than you think. See, when a person charters a jet, they’re paying for the trip there and back, when the plane’s usually empty. And so a company called OneSky Jets is helping Howard Hughes wannabes hitch a ride on those deadheaded jets, often offering 65 to 85 percent off normal fares. A small jet from Los Angeles to Aspen in May, for example, will cost about $8,000, but OneSky says it can offer prices dropping as low as $5,000 if your schedule stays flexible. Compare that to $1,600 for first class airfare from L.A. to Aspen, and, well, you’re still spending a truckload of cash, but the crushing debt is worth it.
5. Listen to Ozzy
He's been on the road for almost 40 years and remembers some of it
What is the key to surviving airport delays?
I’m still looking for that key. I can’t stand traveling by plane, because there are always fucking delays. Sometimes it’s quicker to take the bus.
How do you shut up the chatty person sitting next to you on an airplane?
Actually, I don’t mind sitting next to chatty people, but if I get stuck next to someone who pisses me off, then I just pretend to be asleep.
How can you guarantee an unforgettable vacation?
Warm weather, good food, good company, and lots of sex.
Upgrade your: Dog
Old: Pit bull
New: Puggle (half pug, half beagle)
So maddeningly cute, they're guarenteed to either get you laid or turn you gay.
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Money | Travel | Style | Women | Home | Fitness
Money | Travel | Style | Women | Home | Fitness
Style
Four ways to upgrade your look in an instant
1. Montbrillant Légende
The wrist is the one place a man can get away with some serious bling, and Breitling’s steel and rose gold masterpiece will elevate the crappiest of wardrobes into the stratosphere. $8,600, breitling.com 
2. Burberry Nylon Trench
This coat will have you shining on the rainiest of days. We’ll spare you the details about the stitching and fabrics that go into this water-proof wonder, just know this: The fanciest suit in the world will do nothing for you if it’s buried beneath a parka. $795, burberry.com 
3. Salvatore Ferragamo Weekender
This Italian beauty of a man purse will fit all your essentials for carrying on a plane or carousing around town. The shrunken calf leather finish feels supersoft, and you’ll seriously one-up all the backpacked frat boys surrounding that gorgeous blonde sitting in coach. $2,200, 800-628-8916 
4. Tom Ford Aviators
Some people are cool enough to wear sunglasses indoors, like Jack Nicholson and Bono. OK, like Jack Nicholson. But with these simultaneously rugged and sophisticated aviators from superdesigner Tom Ford, you’ll be well on your way. Still, don’t wear them indoors, OK?. $2,200, available exclusively at the Tom Ford Collection
Money | Travel | Style | Women | Home | Fitness
Money | Travel | Style | Women | Home | Fitness
Women
Have more sex with better looking people
1. Speak Easy
Model Adrianne Curry on the fine art of the pickup
“One of my favorite cheesy pickup lines is, ‘Your eyes are so intense—I can see your soul.’ To which my response is usually, ‘Can you see it telling you to screw yourself?’” 
2. Trade up your lady
How to date out of your league, by Californication's Evan Handler
First, choose a non-American. I’ve had relationships with foreign beauties who were sensible in ways I found lacking in domestic models (meaning they take into account the entire driving experience, not just the look of the car). Women want confidence in a man, so long as it stops short of being creepy. That said, don’t mistake “creepy” for “kinky.” If she sees you as her sexual liberator, you’ve successfully overridden the eyes for the power that lies behind them: You’ll have worked your way into her brain. Which is the last stop the train makes before the station you want to be pulling into.
3. Learn girl talk
Decode some of the most common phrases in Womanese
She says: Where did you learn that move?
She means: How many whores have you slept with?
She says: Can I help with the bill?
She means: There is no way I am going to have sex with you.
She says: I have a stomachache.
She means: I have to take a massive dump.
She says: I’ve never done this before…
She means: …with you.
4. Take a sexcursion
Grab your passport and find your freak zone
If you prefer quality over quantity…
Go to Austria. According to a 2007 Durex global sex survey, Austrian fraus have had more sex partners (an average of 17) than any other country’s and 80 percent engage in oral sex.
If you prefer quantity over quality…
Head to Greece, whose olive-skinned people screw more often than carpenters. Almost 25 percent of Greeks freak at least five times a week, compared to 10 percent globally.
If you’re a masochist…
Swing down to the Trobriand Islands in the South Pacific, where the natives are known to scratch, pull hair, and bite off each other’s eyebrows during sex. Um, that sounds really awesome?
Upgrade your: Sex album
Old: Led Zeppelin IV (Buy it here)
New: Kala, M.I.A. (Buy it here)
Crank up this genre-blending masterpiece and you'll be soiling your sheets in no time.
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Money | Travel | Style | Women | Home | Fitness
Money | Travel | Style | Women | Home | Fitness
Home
Time to make your crib your castle
1. Be a bad neighbor
Penn Jillette on tormenting the jerk across the street.
Decide exactly how you hate them and how much you’re willing to spend to fuck with them and then spend that money on yourself via conspicuous consumption. Pay hookers to come to your house at a time when your neighbor can see them. If you’re low on cash, you could make a deal. Tell them, “I just want you to walk in looking sluttier than Chelsea Clinton, and I’ll make you cookies.” (If you have the money, then you’ll want to fuck them for certain.) Next, go to a warehouse and get flat-screen TV boxes and send yourself, like, 10 of them. You might even get yourself a subscription to a major yachting magazine and put your name with his address on it. Make your neighbor absolutely green with envy; make it clear you can bring in women and buy tons of expensive things. Make him believe his life is going so much shittier than yours; make him think he’s an indigent needle-dick piece of shit. Which, you know, if you hate him, then he probably is.
2. De-douche your décor
OK, fella, time to upgrade your broke-ass, woman-repellant pad.
Modern Bamboo Spring Chairs
Toss Grandpa’s hand-me-down recliner like you did his corpse and get these flexy Bamboo Spring Chairs, each one crafted in a single ribbon of bamboo. $690
Alberto Frias Transport Perceptual Pod
Lose the futon already. $16K gets you this amped-up waterbed with iPod dock, Anthony Gallo speakers, and LED lights. It’s like a personal Laser Floyd. $16,000
Brunswick V-Force
Air hockey rules! We’re partial to Brunswick’s supersleek new model. Short on space? Use as a dining room table in a pinch. $925
André Couch
Your three-legged Naugahyde bachelor couch is giving guests scoliosis and crabs. Smarten things up with Room & Board’s modern André sofa. $1,500
3.Floor it
New car, schmew car. Go classic.
Thinking about dropping 18 grand on a new 2008 Hyundai Tiburon? Drop that Car and Driver, pull your head out of your ass for just a second, and hear us out, friend. For between $12,000–$20,000 you could be the new owner of a vintage Porsche 911. Mechanic-to-the-stars Marc Bixen points out that while other 911 models are selling high, 1980-1983 SCs are relative bargains on the market now and have the bonus of relatively low repair and running costs. And unlike that humble Hyundai, a used 911 will most certainly gain in value over the next few years. “Find a low-mileage model (60K miles or less), maintain it well (expect to spend $1,500 a year for an oil change, tuneup, and 1/3
of a brake job), and suddenly driving a Porsche becomes an economical proposition,” Bixen says. Well, economical besides those speeding tickets.
Upgrade your: Cocktail
Old: Gin and tonic
New: English Harbour rum and soda
Soft, sweet rum over crushed ice with a splash of soda? Straight classy, son.
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Money | Travel | Style | Women | Home | Fitness
Money | Travel | Style | Women | Home | Fitness
Fitness
Live longer and get more trophies.
1. Take bad medicine
Destructive behavior = good health!
The treatment: Cigarettes
Benefit: No one knows what exactly causes Alzheimer’s disease, but the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences published research that says smoking cigarettes could delay its onset. “I concur!” said Dr. Marlboro, when reached for comment.
The treatment: Beer
Benefit: New research shows that the folate found in beer improves cardiovascular function. Drinking one brewski a day could very well reduce blood clotting and the buildup of bad triglycerides and LDL cholesterol in your veins. Sadly, the key word there is one.
The treatment: Fat-assy-ness
Benefit: Just stay around 25 pounds overweight, says the Journal of the American Medical Association, and you’ll have a decreased risk of Parkinson’s disease. See? Our “nutritional reserves” may help us in a pinch, so quit poking at our love handles.
The treatment: Fast food
Benefit: Take two Big Macs and call us in the morning. Researchers in Australia have found that eating foods packed with fat and sugar helps reduce anxiety levels. Next we’re going to find out that ice cream can cure our UTI!
2. Win at everything
Attention, weekend warriors: All-stars reveal the fastest ways to get better at every sport (without failing a urine test).
Kevin Durant Seattle’s rookie phenom on shaking a schoolyard defender.
Create space: “I use my pivot foot and take a step back before exploding ahead. The only time I consider using a ball fake is if my opponent is bigger than me, because that buys me some time.”
Keep him guessing: “Keep going to the basket, but every now and then shoot a jumper to mix it up. It makes your defender have to guard you.”
Be freakishly talented like Kevin Durant: “I do a left-to-right crossover and head straight for the basket. My long wingspan helps me get around my opponent when I’m close to the hoop.”
Matt Holliday The Rockies RBI generator wants you to take home that softball trophy.
Be a middle man: “Keep your eye on the ball through your swing and try to hit line drives at the pitcher. Use the middle of the field as much as possible.”
Let it go: “When things aren’t going well, that’s when I’m thinking about my mechanics or where my hands are. If you think about your mechanics, you’re thinking about the wrong things.”
Go easy on the suds: “If you’re seeing more than one ball, you’re probably not going to do too well. You can get hit in the face with a fly ball, and nobody wants to be that guy.”
Dwight Freeney The Indianapolis Colts DE on squishing flag football QBs
Know your technique: “When the ball is snapped I envision myself getting shot out of a cannon. Bigger guys you want to take down low because it’s easier to trip them up. Smaller guys you want to pretty much take up high because your momentum will bring them down.”
Get ready for some pain: “Sometimes you make a big hit and almost knock yourself out. It’s kind of what we’re programmed to do.”
Don’t get touchy-feely: “Definitely play flag football before touch. Touch football is for eight-year-olds.”
Bernard Hopkins The light-heavyweight champion on delivering beat- downs
Mess with his game: “Try to get the other guy to make mistakes by using basic punches to open up his body. Attack and retreat. Create a blueprint of how to diffuse your opponent. I can convince you to fight my fight and you won’t even know you’re doing it. It’s the art of war.”
Be light on your feet: “Footwork is underappreciated. Your feet get you closer to your target than your hands do.”
Learn to take a punch: “Get used to working through pain in training. It takes time. This isn’t karate where guys are banging on your six-pack with a bat.”
Zach Johnson Last year’s Masters winner helps you take down the Judge Smails in your life
Don’t wail on the ball: “Most amateurs swing out of their shoes trying to hit the ball too far. Don’t worry about that and work on better rhythm and a smooth transition at the top of your swing.”
Take less club: “You’d probably benefit from hitting a three-wood more often than the driver. It has more loft, and it is much easier to hit.”
Take your time: “If you have an annoying group behind you and there’s no room for them to play through just buy them a beer, give them a copy of Maxim, and tell them to chill.”
3. Grab a sweet ride
Pedal your butt off—literally.
The Look 986 X9’s 21 lb. carbon-fiber frame boasts Rock Shox and oversize frame tubes that make this dirt-track bike look even faster than those built for the road. $4,500
Upgrade your: Card game
Old: Texas Hold 'Em
New: Bourré
A variation of Spades, this ghetto-fab game is a favorite of LeBron James and Dwyane Wade.
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