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Valentine's Day Survival Guide

expertLove_artieLange_articlemain.jpgThinking about popping the question on Valentine’s Day?
Forget it. It’s like getting drunk on New Year’s Eve—a complete cliché. Whenever I’m performing stand-up on Valentine’s Day, comedy club owners are always asking me to take heart-shaped Mylar balloons onstage for women in the crowd. You go, “Is Jennifer here?” And then you have to give Jennifer these crappy balloons as her boyfriend proposes. Every single time I’d get fired or suspended because I would just lose it on these people. What a pathetic night to get engaged.
Since you have to endure the holiday, at least make it interesting.
College basketball is in full swing around Valentine’s Day, so I like to bet on a game. I’ll put down $1,000, and if Georgia Tech covers I’ll take my girl out to a nice restaurant and we’ll do something big that night. If not, we stay in. Women might think this is selfish or obnoxious, but the thing about me is, well, what you see is what you get.

When it comes to gifts, you can’t go wrong with stuff for her bathroom.
You take shampoo and call it Johnson & Johnson, it’s $2. You take the label off and you make it “pumpkin lavender body gel,” now it’s $11.50. I don’t get it, but I date a lot of Italian women, and sometimes they smell like what they’re cooking. So some scented body gel and shampoo is a subtle way to say, Hey, here’s some stuff that smells better than the meat sauce you made last night.

Flowers may be tired, but she’ll love them.
Some women will give you that b.s. where if you send flowers, it’s not creative enough. They’ll roll their eyes like, “Well, that took a lot of thought.” But when guys try to pretend like they know what women will like, it never works. It’s like, Hey, how about a nice red frying pan so you could make some eggs every once in a while? Now some really nice flowers are sounding pretty OK, I think.

As a Valentine’s gift, chocolate is a tossup.
Most hot chicks have food rules, but chocolate is a decent gift…especially if you live in the Midwest, where I’m the thinnest person in the room whenever I perform. Usually I like to bust into the box on the way over to her house and show up with it all over my face.