Did that vet down the street save 50 soldiers from certain death in the shit or just know how to shine boots? Here's how to tell.
1. Medal of Honor- Requiring “conspicuous gallantry and intrepidity at the risk of life above and beyond the call of duty,” the MOH is the highest U.S. decoration. A grunt needs a commander’s recommendation; two eyewitnesses to swear he went all Rambo in battle, killing enemies or saving lives; and the OK from a board of snoozing generals. The original Navy/Marine Corps one, created in 1862, features the Roman goddess Minerva kickin’ ass.
2. Distinguished Service Cross- This medal, for “extraordinary heroism,” goes to soldiers who seriously risked their tuckuses to bail out their country and fellow soldiers but weren’t quite supermen like Audie Murphy. The Army version (1918) pictured here preceded the Navy (1919) and Air Force (1960) types, and the ribbon colors represent sacrifice, purity, and high purpose. Bonus: Enlisted troops who earn it get a 10 percent increase in retired pay!
3. Distinguished Service Medal- Awarded for “exceptionally meritorious service,” the DSM isn’t as sexy as the first two, because the soldiers who earn it don’t necessarily face actual bullets. It often goes to big shots far from the front lines. The first batch was given to Allied commanders after WWI. The Air Force one, created in 1960, features 13 gold rays and stars for the original colonies. The blue stone represents the “vault of the heavens.” Trippy.
4. Silver Star- Pimple-size in 1918, this puppy picked up its bronze backing in 1932. To earn it you have to do something brave, but not as ballsy as the actions required for the MOH or the Cross. In 1970 Gen. Wesley Clark, then a captain, was plugged four times by a Vietcong sniper but still led a counterattack and defeated the enemy. That’s “gallantry in action,” a.k.a. Star material. (But apparently not presidential material!)
5. Legion of Merit- This glorified employee-of-the-year certificate is awarded for “exceptionally meritorious conduct in the performance of outstanding services and achievements.” Further hampering this medal’s rep is the fact that it can be pinned on foreigners who don’t even serve in the U.S. military. It’s been whored out to everyone from a Polish army major to former Chinese leader Chiang Kai-shek. But it’ll still totally get you laid.
6. Purple Heart- Conceived as a “Badge of Military Merit” by Gen. George Washington (that’s his noggin, and the shield is his coat of arms), only three Revolutionary War soldiers earned it. Then Gen. Douglas MacArthur brought it back in the 1930s. Its first recipient? MacArthur. Today you don’t have to be brave or do anything spectacular; but you do have to be “wounded or killed.” Yikes! Sadly, you can’t get it for self-inflicted pain.