1. The Jackson 5: Part of This Complete Breakfast
We're not all that shocked that Joe Jackson made his kids sleep in bunk bed stacked five high, but if he indeed kept the cupboard stocked with Alpha-Bits, he deserved a Father of the Year award back in '73. Look closely for the spoonful that spells O-U-T-O-F-C-O-U-R-T-S-E-T-T-L-E-M-E-N-T.
2. Don't Scoot 'Til You Get Enough
Before the Thriller phenomenon swept the globe, Michael Jackson was just like any other dude, lookin' for a set of sweet wheels for a night on the town with a P.Y.T. Surprisingly, Suzuki came to his rescue with their early-'80s Love model scooter. Mike brought his own tux, though.
3. Bizarro MJ: Children Play with Him!
Granted, Mike doesn't actually appear in this clip, but who needs the real deal when you could have a doll in either his fly "Beat It" or "Billie Jean" threads? With articulated knees, no less! Perhaps the "Werewolf Mike" or "Zombie Mike" dolls were mail-away exclusives.
4. Shoes for Casual Destruction of City Property
Yo, street lamp—do NOT step to the K of P. If you do, he'll Moonwalk, splash around in some puddles and point at you intensely. And blow you up. And get some weird, Disney-esque lighting effect. All while wearing L.A. Gear sneakers! How did these things ever fade away?
5. Michael Brings Us ... the Future
Wait, did we say "future"? We meant "obsolete piece of electronic crap." We feel bad for the clueless gang at Esonic, as it's highly unlikely they moved many "Video Discbaby" units, even with Mike himself beaming down from his starship to hand them off to bewildered children.