Hey, they can’t all be AK-47s. The history of weaponry also includes fart spray and stabby dolphins.
1. Chili Con Catastrophe
India has cooked up eye-frying chili grenades made from the bhut jolokia pepper (100 times stronger than a jalapeño.) Can we get a side of samosas with that?
2. Rack Attack
Al Qaeda may have “radical Islamist plastic surgeons” fitting suicide bombers with explosives-filled butt and breast implants. Staring at cleavage just became a matter of national security.
3. Patriotic Puking
Our own Homeland Security Department has unleashed the LED Incapacitator, or “pukelight,” a high-intensity flashlight that causes vertigo and projectile vomiting. At last, the National Guard harnesses the power of a strobe light and three wine coolers!
4. Deadly Dolphins
Unable to afford food, a heartbroken dolphin trainer for the Russian navy sold his pets. The bad news: He sold them to Iran. The really bad news: They’d been trained to attack enemy frogmen with harpoons attached to their backs. Nyet, Flipper, nyet!
5. Death by Fabulousness
Back in 1994 an Air Force research lab drafted a three-page proposal for an aphrodisiac that could be dropped on enemy troops and make them “sexually irresistible” to each other. So what stopped the Pentagon from approving the $7.5 million project? To date, no chemical has ever been found that causes gayness. (Well, except Fresca.)
6. World War Pew
Need proof that the Greatest Generation rocked? Those glourious basterds tried to turn flatulence into a weapon! Made of volatile sulfur compounds, the “Who Me?” bomb was designed for the French to spray on German officers. Right, as if the Germans are scared of anything scatological.