We prophesize the year in Leo, Kanye, the Pope, Obama, and more!
(Photos: Getty Images | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2014)
Putin Caught Fully Erect During Men’s Figure-Skating Finals
In one of those scandals that explains everything, incriminating photos of an aroused Vladimir Putin watching a men's figure skating event in Sochi will spread like wildfire. There will be conflicting accounts as to whether the incident was spurred by American Charlie White’s Camel Spin or Canadian Patrick Chan’s sidelines stretch routine. Regardless, Putin will deny the allegations, attributing the incident to a combination of morning wood (at 6pm) and thinking too hard about Soviet greatness. Surprisingly, the scandal doesn’t ease Russia’s harsh stance on homosexuality, but it does a great deal to explain these photos.
Anthony Weiner Suspiciously Doesn’t Show His Penis
Since 2011, photos of Anthony Weiner's penis have been released with the annual consistency of Woody Allen films. It’s actually happened so often, the fact that his name is Weiner is no longer considered the funniest part of the story. (Let’s all just take a minute and appreciate how crazy that is. Good? Ok.) So when summer rolls around and we still haven't received our annual Weiner crotch shot, we’ll all be asking the same question: What’s he hiding? Is not showing his penis some kind of publicity stunt? Maybe it’s to raise awareness for world hunger? Eventually the focus will shift to concern over the safety of the penis itself, culminating in a public outcry to simply end the controversy and whip it out on Meet the Press. Either way, not leaking pictures of his junk turns out to be his biggest PR disaster since leaking them in the first place.
Press Conference Declaring Obamacare A Success is Plagued With Technical Difficulties
It’s no doubt that last year President Obama suffered the worst website rollout since George Bush’s Puppy Bowl Facebook Fan Page fiasco. Unfortunately, things are about to get worse for the Commander-in-Chief. This February, while standing before the entire nation to once and for all declare Obamacare a success, the president will experience a teleprompter failure that history can only describe as “brilliantly and comedically timed.” Of course the president will use his famous speaking skills to recover, but the damage will be solidified when his microphone pack explodes, setting fire to his tie and triggering the White House sprinkler system, which in turn somehow makes the fire even worse. The turn of events will be so damaging that Fox News ends up taking the day off to celebrate.
Denied An Oscar For Acting Yet Again, Leonardo DiCaprio Changes Career To Sound Mixing
Poor Leo. He’s done everything in his power to get his hands on an Oscar. He’s died on screen nine times, played a mentally challenged person, even blew coke out of a hooker's ass this year in one of the most jarring additions to F. Scott Fitzgerald's The Great Gatsby. And although the 39-year-old is used to rejection by the Academy, this year’s loss to Channing Tatum for G.I. Joe 2 (yes, there was also a G.I. Joe 1) will be the final nail in the coffin. This May, DiCaprio will shock the industry by quitting his craft cold turkey and settling into a less glamorous Hollywood gig in audio production. The most surprising part is what an amazing sound mixer DiCaprio turns out to be. Yet ultimately, the only Oscar he will ever get his hands on is the one he goes on to steal from Ben Affleck’s home in 2023, and then promptly uses to beat the actor/director to death “on principle.”
Kim Kardashian Photoshops Baby’s Problem Areas
If you think today's babies are subject to high standards, just wait until later this year, when famous vomiter North West is going to make your baby look like a sack of old deli meats. Gossip magazines are going to be plastered with pictures of Kim Kardashian and Kanye West’s perfect-looking baby, forcing millions of parents to consider putting their ugly toddlers up for adoption. But North West’s impeccably even jowls and seemingly superhuman avoidance of diaper rash give rise to rumors that Kim, the TV(?) star(?), has been using Photoshop to erase her baby's less-than-cute features. These suspicions are confirmed when a lucky paparazzo captures a candid of baby North West leaving a day care appearing just as bloated, drooling, and confused as her mother and father.
Pope Francis Comes Out As an Atheist During Reddit AMA
We already know Pope Francis is - at best - a Christmas and Easter kind of Catholic. He constantly breaks Vatican tradition, reaches out to gay people, and has even said that atheists can go to heaven (that’s like inviting a vegetarian to your barbecue). But none of that will compare to the answer he gives to a question by Reddit user “Catz_A55hole” about the nature of his faith. Not only does Francis confess to his atheism, but reveals his papacy to be nothing more than an elaborate piece of performance art inspired by his hero, Joaquin Phoenix. The announcement will send shockwaves through the Catholic community until the papal conclave admits the ruse was actually pretty hilarious, and decides after 2000 years that the whole divinity thing is kind of silly when you really think about it.
Kim Jong-Un Fulfills Plan to Eat The Entire 1995 Chicago Bulls Lineup
In the most tragic of all our news from the future, the starting lineup for the 1995 Chicago Bulls will be no more. Dennis Rodman’s basketball outreach is declared a huge success in diplomacy, leading Michael Jordan to hop on board – much to Kim Jong Un’s chop-licking delight. He’s logically followed by Steve Kerr, then the rest of the legendary roster. It all makes sense when you think about it; if you were the supreme leader of an isolationist dictatorship and you wanted to eat an American basketball team, wouldn’t you want to chow down on World Champions? Just convince the craziest member to come to your country to promote basketball, make them feel like a close friend, and before you know it you’ll be picking your teeth with Scottie Pippen’s collarbone.
Jay Leno Returns to The Tonight Show!
That’s right, due to less than stellar ratings, NBC once again realizes they’ve made a huge mistake and boots Jimmy Fallon shortly after his first monologue. This puts Jay Leno right back in the (stupid collector car’s) driver’s seat. Part of the decision is attributed to Leno’s unequaled charm and charisma, but it’s mostly because they’ve discovered Leno attracts viewers so old they often pass away while watching him, giving NBC a ratings boost well into the next day’s fourth hour of the Today Show. Luckily, Fallon eventually finds a home on the Hallmark channel, but NBC never releases the rights to The Roots, who are indefinitely placed in a storage locker in the 30 Rock basement.
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