Ah, the weekend. Two fleeting days to convince yourself you have some measure of control over your life. But planning out activities and amusements is a lot of pressure—which is why we're here to take some of the burden off your shoulders. And we promise not to let your boss know about all that extra shoulder space that could be used for at least eight more job responsibilities.
Battle: Los Angeles (In theaters Friday, 3/11) Think of this as the "alien invasion movie placeholder" between recent disappointments like Skyline and I Am Number Four and the forthcoming, sure-to-be-awesome Super 8. Aaron Eckhart (you know, Two-Face) leads a crew of U.S. armed forces (including Michelle Rodriguez) against a horde of vaguely Transformers-esque extraterrestrials. L.A. is what they decide to destroy first. (Good call.)
Red Riding Hood (In theaters Friday, 3/11) If doe-eyed beauty Amanda Seyfried as the titular character doesn't entice you, at least give this one props for casting Gary Oldman as a witchfinder who's brought in to catch the big bad wolf. (Hey, he's multitasking!)
Jackass 3 (Released Tuesday, 3/8) For those of you who enjoy seeing 40-year-olds get pelted in the beanbag repeatedly or coming close to dislocating their hips, this one's for you. Remember when head 'ass Johnny Knoxville was like the cool, out-of-control older brother rather than the embarrassing uncle who wrecks the 4-wheeler after a few beers?
Avril Lavigne, Goodbye Lullaby (Released Tuesday, 3/8) In what's otherwise a bleak week for new releases (sorry, Charley Pride), former Maxim cover girl Avril Lavigne is back in record stores after a four-year hiatus. Oddly enough, one of her collaborators on this set is dopey ex-husband Deryck Whibley. As her new single states, "What the Hell" indeed.
Norm Macdonald: Me Doing Stand-Up (Airs Saturday, 3/12, 11 p.m., Comedy Central) Norm's been pretty quiet since he brought the house down at Bob Saget's roast with a bizarre, subversive set back in 2008 (hell, he hasn't even made an appearance on Conan yet). We're sure he's just been skewering Carrot Top and O.J. in the comfort of his own home since then, but we're glad to see Comedy Central throwing him a bone for this stand-up special.
NCAA Selection Sunday (Announcement airs Sunday, 3/13, 6 p.m., CBS) Although the March Madness tournament won't officially kick off until March 15th, here's where you'll learn which 68 teams will take part in the tourney, and where they'll be seeded and placed. Odds are you'll have your own brackets ready and waiting to fill out…