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What Are We Supposed To Do with All These Lance Armstrong Bracelets?

Remember those dicks that used to look down on everyone who didn’t strap on a dozen rubber “Livestrong” bracelets every time they left the house? Well, now that cycling god Lance Armstrong himself has been stripped of pretty much every athletic title of his career and exposed as the nefarious leader of a highly sophisticated doping ring, those guys may not be so preachy anymore.

But what to do with all those Livestrong bracelets now? We’ve got a few ideas.

Photo: Jamie Squire / Getty Images | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012


Cock ring! Although if you’re well-endowed to the point where something the size of a wrist watch would fit snugly on your Johnson, remind us never to run into you in a locker room.

Friendship bracelet: Nothing says “I’m just not that into you” quite like giving a lady a collection of used rubber bracelets emblazoned with the name of a disgraced athlete’s charity. She’s guaranteed to get the message.

Napkin holders: This Thanksgiving, prove your mom wrong by showing her you know how to set a table all proper-like—with place cards, gourd centerpieces, and Livestrong bracelets repurposed as oversized neon rubber napkin rings. After dinner,  have your guests say one thing they’re thankful for. Like the fact that no one gives a shit about the Tour de France.

Kindling: If all else fails, just go ahead and burn these fuckers. After all, winter is coming, and who has the time to split logs these days?

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