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What Was Justin Bieber Doing Inside a Brazilian Brothel?

Because we all know he wasn’t actually having sex.

Photo: Jemal Countess / Getty Images for Y-3 | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2013

Justin Bieber’s latest attempt to convince the masses that he’s no longer a prepubescent pipsqueak came on Friday as he was allegedly caught sneaking out of a Brazilian brothel. Sources claim the pop star and a buddy spent more than three hours inside Rio de Janeiro sex den Centauros, before leaving with two women. Despite being wrapped in a bed sheet, he was identified by his wrist tattoo (which is supposed to be a drawing of ex-girlfriend Selena Gomez) and by the fact that he was being escorted to his SUV by a security team who allegedly took no issue with confirming the identity of their little ghost to photographers.
All we can say is, nice try, little man. While we don’t doubt that Bieber was in the brothel, we can pretty much rest assured that he wasn’t paying for, let alone having, sex in there. Here are a few ideas as to what Bieber was actually up to in there - feel free to chime in with your own:
Asking for a blow job, thinking that means having his hair dried.
Recruiting extra players for a late night game of charades after his dancers backed out.
Searching for some new eclectic wardrobe pieces to add to his collection.
Peeing in a bucket and cursing out Lula da Silva, former president of Brazil.
Simply enjoying a pineapple fruit boat and a virgin Caipirinha. 
Inquiring as to where he could purchase another capuchin monkey.
Signing their guest book.