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What Will Happen to These 6 States If They Secede?

With residents from all 50 states petitioning to break away from the U.S., we reveal the leading candidates for secession and what’s in store if they get their wish. Fingers crossed for Florida.


1. TEXAS

Number of petitioners: 124,353 (0.48% of pop.)
Likely president: Roger Clemens
National anthem: “Cotton Eye Joe” by Rednex
Chief exports: Rest-stop trinkets extolling the country’s bigness; oil
Roadblock: Austin. Residents of the city started their own counter-petition to secede from Texas if Texas splits from America. Damn hipsters!

 

 

 

 

 

2. LOUISIANA

Number of petitioners: 38,637 (0.84% of pop.)
Likely president: Swamp People’s Troy Landry
National anthem: “Born on the Bayou” by Creedence Clearwater Revival
Chief exports: Swamp People episodes; soybeans
Roadblock: Bobby Jindal. The Republican governor is anti-secession, saying, “Whatever our political differences, we are American first.”
 
 
 
 

3. TENNESSEE

Number of petitioners: 32,431 (0.51% of pop.)
Likely president: Definitely not Al Gore
National anthem: “I’m Movin’ On” by Elvis
Chief exports: Dolly Parton’s cleavage; whiskey
Roadblock: Lack of support. The Nashville Tea Party president won’t even sign the petition. But they get style points for their five-word secession request: “Helping the People of Tennessee.”
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

4. NORTH CAROLINA

Number of petitioners: 31,622 (0.33% of pop.)
Likely president: Mike Krzyzewski
National anthem: Dale Earnhardt Sr.’s engine revving on a loop
Chief exports: Unfinished furniture; tobacco
Roadblock: Themselves. The state constitution prohibits secession, reading, “This State shall ever remain a member of the American Union.”
 
 
 
 

 
5. SOUTH CAROLINA
Number of petitioners: 31,622 (0.68% of pop.)
Likely president: Stephen Colbert
National anthem: “Let Her Cry” by Hootie & the Blowfish
Chief exports: Hootie & the Blowfish; tires
Roadblock: Supreme Court. In 1869 it ruled unilateral secession unconstitutional. Apparently, America is an “indestructible union.” Go figure.

 

 

 

 

 


6. FLORIDA

Number of petitioners: 36,609 (0.19% of pop.)
Likely president: Jeb Bush
National anthem: “I Just Can’t Wait to Be King” by Simba the lion (from The Lion King)
Chief exports: Jokes about the state being the shape of a penis; citrus fruit
Roadblock: A house divided. In 2008 pols tried to split the state into North and South Florida. 


 

 

 

 

 

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